La Satira News Service
As if overpopulation, shrinking habitat, and a rise in chronic wasting disease weren’t enough to deal with, the local wild deer population has another fight on its hooves.
This time, the problem is a fast-growing fungus, which infests the plants on which deer prefer to feed. The fungus, when ingested, catalyzes the creation of an unusual amount of biological methane, causing the deer to become unnaturally bloated. This bloating may reach the point that the deer becomes buoyant with respect to the surrounding air.
“Me and my friends were out on a fishing trip a few weeks back,” recounts local outdoorsman Henry “Buck” Schott. “We saw one of them deer rising over the horizon one evening. It looked like the moon had grown antlers!”
Scientists at the University of Pomme de Terre believe the phenomenon may explain a recent uptick in the number of UFO sightings.
“Well, it’s not the sort of thing you expect to look up and see, is it?” said Dr. Rudolf Hirsch, Dean of the University of Pomme de Terre’s College of Folklore and Veterinary Sciences. “So, if you can’t figure out what it is at first, by definition it’s an unidentified flying object.”
While the fungus is new to veterinary epidemiology, Dr. Hirsch believes it has made its presence known before, leaving an indelible mark on childhood literature. “Many of the old–and seemingly absurd–stories may have a grain of truth to them,” Dr. Hirsch pointed out. “Who knows? Maybe this helps explain the story of Santa Claus and his flying reindeer. Granted, the victims of the current disease aren’t exactly moving quickly enough to pull a sleigh. In fact most of ’em just kind of hover or drift in the breeze until the gas works its way out of their systems. But it may have introduced the idea of floating fauna.”
Dr. Hirsch believes a similar fungus was behind the story of the cow jumping over the moon.
Scientists are studying whether the problem can be treated by leaving bait corn laced with simethicone at known feeding spots.
“Things could be worse,” said Dr. Hirsch. “The effect generally isn’t fatal; meanwhile, I expect it’s a new and interesting experience for otherwise earthbound creatures. And if all else fails, the oncoming winter should reduce the fungal activity and give us a chance to find a solution before the next outbreak.
Meanwhile, scientists from Europe have arrived at the university to explore whether the fungus can be applied to help alleviate that continent’s ongoing natural gas shortage.
Residents fret that, if the problem persists into the scheduled deer-hunting season, it could result in economic losses to the hunting industry. It is illegal to hunt the deer in their expanded state, due to the danger of being crushed by a rapidly-descending deer carcass and concerns about the effects of eating meat from affected deer. Local hunters are trying to be philosophical about the situation.
“The economists warned us we might be in for a period of stagflation,” said Mr. Schott, “but I never dreamed this was the form it would take.”
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