Posts Tagged ‘Weather’

News Flash: Residents Told to be ‘Werther Aware’

April 4, 2015

Short Term Forecast Calls for 60% Chance of Fancy Toffees

La Satira News Service–In an unusual move, the local meteorological service has instructed South Florida residents to be ‘Werther-aware’ during the overnight hours.

“We have to emphasize that this is not a typo,” said Dr. Claude Foreman, the director of the service, in an interview with local media.  “You really do need to be on the lookout for toffee-storms.”

The warning comes in the wake of a freak event at a local sugar processing plant.  A passing thunderstorm delivered an unusually powerful burst of lightning to a storage bin, causing temperatures in the bin to rise past the melting point of sugar.  At that point a tornado passed over the same point, whipping all the superheated sugar into a frothy state and sucking it into the stratosphere.  There, meteorologists believe, the caramelized sugar condensed into small lumps resembling toffee, which remain aloft, supported by updrafts associated with the thunderstorm.

As the storm subsides, the toffees should begin to fall.  “The effect should be something like nickel-sized hail,” said Dr. Foreman.  “But these hailstones won’t melt in the warmer air temperatures.  We’re especially concerned about locations where more conventional precipitation may follow the toffee showers–all that sugar and all that water in the same place could really make for a sticky situation.”

The governor’s office will reportedly decide tomorrow morning whether to pursue a disaster declaration.  Such a declaration would release emergency funds to bring in teams of aardvarks to deal with the expected boom in the fire ant population.

Copyright 2015

La Satira News Service is not associated with Werther’s Originals.  For more information about their toffees, caramels, and assorted products, please follow this link:


News Flash: Mob Seeks Vengeance for Weather Prank

August 2, 2011

Dafw, TX– A seemingly innocent prank took a dangerous turn and left the local Weather Bureau office besieged by an angry mob.

An employee at the service, tired of posting an endless series of forecasts predicting triple-digit heat, posted instead the forecast for Seattle, Washington, which called for high temperatures in the 70s and lows in the 50s.

“People started calling us, practically in tears of joy, thanking us for the relief from the heat,” said office director Kelvin Fahrenheit in a telephone interview, “though of course we really can’t take credit for any relief that does come.  But then we had to tell them it was a hoax and apologize.”

This information, Mr. Fahrenheit said, was generally met with stony silence—at best.

Then crowds started gathering around the block containing the Weather Bureau offices, chanting and demanding the head of the prankster.

“It’s outrageous of them to pull a stunt like this,” said Summer Hamilton, one of the protesters.  “We’ve been waiting for weeks for it to get cool enough to let us make some outdoor plans.  And just when it looked like it was about to happen, we find out it’s all a joke?  No wonder people are hot under the collar!”

“This could get very ugly,” said on-looker Stacy Schlitterbahn, whose office is nearby.  “At first the protest was mostly peaceful, but then they sent out a public relations person to try to calm the crowd down and negotiate.  That was fine, until their PR person said something about hoping that cooler heads would prevail.  Things went downhill rapidly after that.”

While the mobs have remained outside, the building itself has been pelted with empty water bottles, tubes of sunscreen, and the occasional sno-cone.  A riot squad is said to be en route, though they have been delayed by a highway that buckled due to the heat.

Although the correct forecast is now showing on the company website, the mobs are continuing their vigil.

Inside the office, Mr. Fahrenheit did not sound optimistic.  “While we’re still hoping for a peaceful resolution, we think there is a 70% chance of them storming the building.  Office employees are advised to prepare for the worst by securing furniture and other objects that could present a hazard, and by avoiding windows and taking shelter in an interior room.  All preparations should be complete before the storm arrives in the area.  This severe storm warning will last through the evening hours.”

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Antonio Vivaldi vs Dallas-Fort Worth

July 17, 2011

As the Dallas-Fort Worth area swelters through yet another day of 100+ degree weather, I’m reminded of the Four Seasons–not the Frankie Valli band, of course, but the famous musical suite by Baroque composer Antonio Vivaldi.

Many who are not especially familiar with it may still recognize the name, and even those who don’t recognize the name would likely have run across at least some of the musical themes.  For those less familiar with it and unwilling to read the whole Wikipedia article referenced above, I’ll just say that the composition comprises four concertoes–concertos–concerti?–forget it.  It contains four musical sections, one for each season (starting with Spring), with each section including three movements, or twelve movements in all.  Presumably that represents one movement per month.

Of course there are a lot of people on this side of the Atlantic who don’t care much for the whole broadly-defined classical genre.  How are they supposed to relate to music written hundreds of years ago by a bunch of Europeans?

Musicological arguments aside, I do find myself wondering how The Four Seasons in particular might have been different if Vivaldi had lived, say, in North Texas, rather than Italy.  On the whole, I can think of two major differences.

Firstly, The Four Seasons would not have been written for strings with continuo (harpsichord).  This being the southern plains, I strongly suspect that Vivaldi would have orchestrated the piece for wind instruments.  Lots and lots of wind instruments.

Secondly, I believe the sequence of movements would have been different.  Instead of proceeding methodically through each part of each season, the order would instead have looked more like this (with each movement’s tempo in (of course) italics):

  1. Spring – Allegro
  2. Winter – Adagio sub-zero
  3. Spring – Moderato
  4. Summer – Andante
  5. Spring – Presto tornado
  6. Summer – Largo
  7. Summer – Largo non comodo
  8. Summer – Largo habanero
  9. Summer – Largo non comodo
  10. Summer with occasional bursts of Fall — Molto confuso
  11. Fall – Moderato
  12. Fall – Allegro

In fact it might have been easier for Vivaldi to compose this version, since the 7th, 8th, and 9th movements could use the exact same score as the 6th movement; but in these the music would just be played a good bit louder….