News Flash Extra: Carraway Accused of Gatsby Murders

La Satira News Service

West Egg, NY–Authorities in West Egg have added charges against neighbor Nick Carraway, accusing him of masterminding the killing spree that claimed the lives of socialite Jay Gatsby, garage attendant George Wilson, and the latter’s wife, Myrtle Wilson.

Investigators had previously identified Carraway as a “person of interest” in the case. The West Egg police chief refused to comment on what new evidence had come to light to cause them to add the new charges.

“Mr. Carraway is clearly a dangerous person,” said a source close to the case. “Even though he gives the impression of being easy-going and friendly, almost to the point of imbecility, he has shown an amazing ability to get his way. Witness his ability to get a job as a bond salesman and keep it, even though there’s no record of him actually doing work for his ostensible employer.”

According to charges, Mr. Carraway did not take the 3:30 train to West Egg on the day in question, as he claimed, but in fact took an earlier train, and was lurking in Gatsby’s yard when Wilson arrived. Carraway allegedly ambushed Gatsby, then manipulated Wilson into committing suicide.

The turning point in the case came after new evidence came in from a police informant known only as M. W., who claimed to have been a confidant of Gatsby.  M. W.’s testimony suggests that Gatsby was secretly worried by the presence of Mr. Carraway, owing to some incident in Montenegro during the Great War.

Police are also seeking the whereabouts of a man known only as Klipspringer who was staying at Gatsby’s residence and might know more. No one has reported seeing Klipspringer since the fateful afternoon.

“Mr. Carraway certainly tells a compelling story,” said W. T. Cringeworthy, the assistant District Attorney prosecuting the case. “He has a flair for detail and colorful imagery, and some might even say symbolism; but that shouldn’t blind us to the fact that practically everything we know about the case is told from his perspective–we only see what he wants us to see. We believe Mr. Carraway had reason to want Mr. Gatsby dead, and that he was ruthless enough not to mind the deaths of the Wilsons as well. We also believe he is trying to incriminate his so-called friends the Buchanans…not that much needed to be done to incriminate them.”

Lawyers representing Mr. Carraway, who are being supplied by the Mr. Carraway’s employer, had no comment.

Anyone with further information in the case is advised to contact the West Egg Police Department at their earliest convenience.

Copyright 2013

News Flash: Police Arrest ‘Person of Interest’ in Gatsby Case (*spoilers!*)

Nick Carraway Accused of Being Vapid Twerp

West Egg, Long Island– Police investigating the deaths of three people in West Egg last week got a welcome break in the case with the arrest of Nick Carraway.

Mr. Carraway, who was arrested as he was boarding a train for Chicago, was wanted for questioning regarding the deaths of prominent socialite Jay Gatsby, garage owner George Wilson, and the latter’s wife, Myrtle Wilson.  Police have filed charges against Mr. Carraway of conspiracy and failure to prevent harm.

“The State is making the case that Mr. Carraway’s actions contributed to the deaths of his friend and acquaintenaces,” said District Attorney Thomas Parke.  “We have yet to find any indication that Mr. Carraway ever attempted to exert any influence that might have discouraged the self-destructive course on which the victims and suspects were set.”

“Essentially the State is trying to prosecute my client on the grounds that he’s a vapid twerp,” said Horatio P. Quaggmeyer, Mr. Carraway’s attorney. “And whether or not Mr. Carraway falls under that heading, the fact of the matter is Vapid Twerphood is not, in itself, a criminal offense.”

Mr. Quaggmeyer is pursuing an unusual defense in this case.  Rather than contesting the facts of the case or contesting his guilt or innocense, Mr. Quaggmeyer is asking the court to enter a plea of litterarum propositum superiorem. 

In short, this plea allows Mr. Carraway to escape prosecution on the grounds that his first-person narration of events allows those studying the case to have a clearer picture into the course of events and the characters of the participants than what might otherwise be provided.  “The State wants to prosecute my client on the grounds that his gutless interaction with the other suspects helped to precipitate the final crisis,” Mr. Quaggmeyer said.  “And yet the sheer insipidity of my client’s character allows details to come to light that we might otherwise know nothing about.  If my client had had any fortitude or strength of character, he might not have gotten involved at all, and then where would we be?  In this sort of case, it’s absolutely essential to have someone who can be, as it were, carried away with the action.”

“We’re used to throwing the book at people,” said District Attorney Parke about the unusual defense.  “I think this is the first time anyone has thrown a book at us.  Who does this Carraway person think he is, some refugee from an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel?”

The three other members of what police are calling the Gatsby Four are wanted for questioning.  These include businessman Tom Buchanan and his wife Daisy Buchanan, who are believed to have fled the country, and tennis pro Jordan Baker.  All four (including Carraway) are believed to have been in Mr. Gatsby’s company the evening before his death.

Copyright 2013