Nick Carraway Accused of Being Vapid Twerp
West Egg, Long Island– Police investigating the deaths of three people in West Egg last week got a welcome break in the case with the arrest of Nick Carraway.
Mr. Carraway, who was arrested as he was boarding a train for Chicago, was wanted for questioning regarding the deaths of prominent socialite Jay Gatsby, garage owner George Wilson, and the latter’s wife, Myrtle Wilson. Police have filed charges against Mr. Carraway of conspiracy and failure to prevent harm.
“The State is making the case that Mr. Carraway’s actions contributed to the deaths of his friend and acquaintenaces,” said District Attorney Thomas Parke. “We have yet to find any indication that Mr. Carraway ever attempted to exert any influence that might have discouraged the self-destructive course on which the victims and suspects were set.”
“Essentially the State is trying to prosecute my client on the grounds that he’s a vapid twerp,” said Horatio P. Quaggmeyer, Mr. Carraway’s attorney. “And whether or not Mr. Carraway falls under that heading, the fact of the matter is Vapid Twerphood is not, in itself, a criminal offense.”
Mr. Quaggmeyer is pursuing an unusual defense in this case. Rather than contesting the facts of the case or contesting his guilt or innocense, Mr. Quaggmeyer is asking the court to enter a plea of litterarum propositum superiorem.
In short, this plea allows Mr. Carraway to escape prosecution on the grounds that his first-person narration of events allows those studying the case to have a clearer picture into the course of events and the characters of the participants than what might otherwise be provided. “The State wants to prosecute my client on the grounds that his gutless interaction with the other suspects helped to precipitate the final crisis,” Mr. Quaggmeyer said. “And yet the sheer insipidity of my client’s character allows details to come to light that we might otherwise know nothing about. If my client had had any fortitude or strength of character, he might not have gotten involved at all, and then where would we be? In this sort of case, it’s absolutely essential to have someone who can be, as it were, carried away with the action.”
“We’re used to throwing the book at people,” said District Attorney Parke about the unusual defense. “I think this is the first time anyone has thrown a book at us. Who does this Carraway person think he is, some refugee from an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel?”
The three other members of what police are calling the Gatsby Four are wanted for questioning. These include businessman Tom Buchanan and his wife Daisy Buchanan, who are believed to have fled the country, and tennis pro Jordan Baker. All four (including Carraway) are believed to have been in Mr. Gatsby’s company the evening before his death.