News Flash: Researchers Bring Alda Quaintans to Mind

Mathematician’s Work Rediscovered in Remote Scottish Ruins

La Satira News Service

Researchers with the University of Punxsutawney’s College of Mathematical Archaeology announced the discovery of a site that sheds new insight into a lost golden age of Scottish mathematical studies.

Professors Abner “Ab” Bacchus and Adam McAdam announced the new findings on New Year’s Eve, the anniversary of the site’s discovery.

The discovery was initially made by accident after a fishing expedition encountered a storm and was forced ashore at the mouth of the Syne River, on the western coast of Scotland.  There, members of the expedition discovered the ruins of a village that had been buried under water and sand for more than three hundred years.

Initial investigations proved to be inconclusive, with speculation ranging from an ancient settlement by the Beaker people to the secret post-Culloden hideout of Bonnie Prince Charlie.  The only distinctive clues were unusual quantities of pens, parchment, and abacuses, as well as a primitive calculating instrument called Napier’s bones.

“Clearly this wasn’t your typical fishing village,” said Professor Bacchus in his presentation on the discovery.

The investigation had a breakthrough when archaeologists discovered a wall safe containing a small number of written records that miraculously survived the inundation.  The records pointed to the activity of Alda Quaintans, a mathematical professor of the medieval University of Mull, who envisioned Scotland as becoming a scientific powerhouse.  Professor Quaintans proposed a colony of researchers to promote the  practical application of science and math, as well as to compete with the work of Sir Isaac Newton in England.  (The emphasis on practical application seems to have been to differentiate the new institution from his own university, which was mainly dedicated–as one might perhaps expect–to purely philosophical research.)

Permission for the colony was ultimately granted, and a location was selected at the mouth of the Syne River.  The site was developed by diverting the Syne River through a shorter course to the sea.  This move was controversial among the existing population, who continued to reminisce about the longer course, referred to since as the Auld Lang Syne.

Meanwhile, the best scientific minds in Scotland were carefully recruited for the project, with scholars representing a variety of disciplines.  Dr. Quaintans also hired a small army of support staff to look after his scientists and ensure they would not be distracted by mundane matters.

The colony was only half-way through its first research project–an actuarial analysis of the risk of investment in the Darien scheme–when a prolonged rain upstream caused the site to become inundated by raging floodwaters, resulting in the loss of the colony and all its inhabitants, including Dr. Quaintans.  It seems the designers had under-designed the capacity of the new river channel, owing to a mathematical error regarding the quantity of water that the channel would conceivably be required to accommodate.

The full impact of the disaster naturally reverberated through the country, but was missed by most historians.  For example, decades after the event, Scottish poet Robert Burns famously asked the question:

Should Alda Quaintans be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should Alda Quantans be forgot
And Auld Lang Syne?

These lyrics were subsequently misunderstood by historians, linguists, and English audiences and taken completely out of context.

According to Professors Bacchus and McAdam, further research remains to be done to identify other, previously-undetected effects of the disaster on the national literature.

Copyright 2018


News Flash: Count of Monte Cristo Hospitalized; Sandwich Blamed

Marseilles, France–Sources close to the household of the Count of Monte Cristo report that the Count was taken to the Marseilles hospital late last night with symptoms resembling either severe gastric distress or a heart attack.

The Count, whose opulent lifestyle caused a splash in Paris society six years ago, recently returned to his native Marseilles for an extended visit following a world tour, ostensibly to pursue his researches into haute cuisine, specifically the croque-monsieur sandwich.

Authorities are exploring the possibility that the Count’s research into the sandwich, a deep-fried ham-and-cheese sandwich with jam and powdered sugar, may have been the cause of this week’s hospital visit.  The Count is said to have been on a regular diet of the confection since before his return to France.

“The Count once spoke of having fulfilled his lifelong mission when he left Paris six years ago,” said Dr. Avrigny (retired), a friend of the Morrel family, who are said to be close associates of the Count.  “It’s not unusual that a person in such conditions would experience a bit of ennui before finding a new interest in life.  And while culinary pursuits can certainly be worthwhile, we seem to have reached the point of obsession–consuming three of these sandwiches a day seems excessive.”

Rumors of the Count’s illness elicited a variety of responses.

Health Minister Lucien Dubray issued a statement warning against over-indulgence in rich foods.  “It’s all very well to try to achieve the perfect croque-monsieur,” the statement said, “but one should try to ensure that Monsieur doesn’t croak in the process.”

“To me a heart attack seems unlikely,” said Mme. Danglars, a nurse at the Marseilles hospital and the former wife of one of the Count’s business associates. “You have to have a heart first.  Still, it’s hardly a surprise that he’s in ill health; when you eat that kind of food, it’s bound to wreak some kind of vengeance; it’s just a question of when.  It would serve him right if he died of it and ended up getting the sandwich named after him.”

Neither the hospital nor the Countess of Monte Cristo has released an official statement on the Count’s prognosis.

Copyright 2017

News Flash: Acting Troupe Banned from Retirement Home After ‘King Lear’ Fracas

La Satira News Service

Authorities tonight say they are considering whether they will file charges against several senior citizens who allegedly assaulted participants in a performance of King Lear at the West Punxsutawney Retirement Home.

“Every actor wants their performance to resonate with their audience,” said Margaret de Vere, the artistic director for the Punxsutawney Players, an acting troupe based at the nearby University of Punxsutawney that specializes in bringing theatrical performances to unconventional venues.  “Evidently we stumbled onto an undamped sinusoid.”

According to witnesses, the trouble started during the second act, when a small number of audience members began to heckle the actresses playing the parts of Goneril and Regan, the title character’s daughters.  As the behavior of Lear’s “daughters” deteriorated, so did the behavior of the crowd, which started throwing bits of food, pill bottles, reading glasses, and even a couple of partials.  The unrest continued to spread, and the actors were obliged to exit as the crowd threatened to rush the stage.

“I have no idea what they were thinking, bringing in this sort of subject matter,” said Dr. Elizabeth Woodville, the director of the facility.  “While most of our residents are on quite good terms with their families, we’ll thank our visitors for not stoking any embers of inter-generational angst that might be lying around.”

“Somebody really should have seen this coming,” said Richard Gloucester, the local constable who was called in to deal with the situation.  “This may not be on par with shouting ‘Fire’ in a crowded theater, but it’s up there.”  Constable Gloucester said that the circumstances of the aggressors were being taken into consideration.

The cost of the performance was covered by Shoddi, Smarmy, Rude and Associates, a nearby law firm that specializes in estate management.  A spokesman for the firm refused to comment, apart from insisting that the firm’s only interest in underwriting the event was the desire to provide a service to the residents.

Dr. Woodville indicated that the Players will not be invited back for future performances at the home.  Any future touring performers will be subject to vetting for suitability by the staff before they are allowed to perform at the home.

“I don’t think they’ll have to worry on our account any further,” said Ms. de Vere, the Punxsutawney Players representative.  “I think after this we’ll stick to doing less controversial stuff, like Julius Caesar or Midsummer Night’s Dream.  Even Titus Andronicus might be less traumatizing than this has been,” she added.

The un-invitation from the West Punxsutawney Retirement Home is a second set-back for the Punxsutawney Players, after the cancellation of an engagement with the Bandwagon Society‘s annual charity fundraiser event.  At last year’s event, the Players presented Shakespeare’s Timon of Athens, in which a wealthy man ruins himself through unwise generosity.  The Players were asked not to return after the performance was linked to an 85% drop in pledges and donations.

Copyright 2016

News Flash: Plan to Drain Slough of Despond Mired in Controversy

La Satira News Service

A plan by the Vanity Fair Regional Development Authority to drain the Slough of Despond suffered a setback this week when an environmental interest group filed suit against the project, citing inadequate mitigation of the projected environmental impacts.

The project calls for the construction of a road and bridge across the Slough of Despond, to be paid for by the development of most Slough into an up-scale community of homes and shops.

Among other objections, the suit by the Vanity Valley Nature Club claims that the proposed project would eliminate several hundred acres of established wetlands and destroy a significant habitat for Woodpeckers of Illusory Prospects.

“We believe this lawsuit to be frivolous and unnecessary,” said VFRDA executive director Faith N. Lucre in an interview.  “For one thing, the Woodpecker of Illusory Prospects is hardly an endangered species; everyone gets visited by one at some point in their lives.  Moreover, the Woodpeckers aren’t the only things that call the Slough of Despond home:  it’s also a fertile breeding ground for the Mosquitoes of Disappointment, the Leeches of Self-Doubt and the Adders of Dysfunctional Relationships.

“Besides, the plan clearly shows that any wetlands destroyed in this project would be replaced by new wetlands to be developed in the nearby Swamp of Ambivalence and Bog of Ennui.”

In addition to the lawsuit, the project is also threatened by the possible withdrawal of one of the groups that originally proposed it.

“What we had initially proposed was a simple bridge,” explained Guy D. Way, a spokesman for the Celestial City Travelers Association.  “We get a lot of people coming from that direction, and we were hoping to ease the trip a bit.  But somehow the project morphed into, not just a bridge, but what amounts to a small city.  With the crowds and all, this could turn into a bigger obstacle than the Slough itself.  The decision to call the development ‘Materialism Manors’ didn’t exactly increase our comfort level, either.”

A preliminary hearing in the case will be held next month in the Court of Arcane Procedures.

Copyright 2015

News Flash: Smaug Ouster Weighs on Middle-Earth Economy


Rhovanion Times-Observer

A report published today by the Middle-Earth Economic Forecasting Bureau shows that the economy of Rhovanion shrank for a third consecutive quarter, threatening to pull the whole economy of Middle-Earth into recession.  The economic weakness in Rhovanion follows upheaval throughout the region in the wake of the sudden ouster and death of Smaug the Dragon in Esgaroth late last year.

The North Rhovanion Constabulary Force is continuing its investigation into Smaug’s death.  All that is known is that Smaug was shot by a lone bowman as he arrived in Esgaroth by air to consult with local leaders over a growing wave of anti-dragon sentiment.

The economic turbulence immediately following Smaug’s death has been somewhat better documented at this point.  Smaug’s mid-flight demise caused him to crash land on top of the town of Esgaroth, causing damage estimated at 9,435 gold pieces.  The town’s insurance firms have filed a claim against Smaug’s estate for that amount plus 5,000 for pain and suffering on the part of the residents.  Smaug’s demise also precipitated an orc invasion, requiring military involvement from the Dwarves of the Iron Hills and the Elves of Mirkwood to repel.  Both groups have submitted claims against Smaug’s estate to recoup the costs of the intervention.

Further complicating matters, a party of dwarves from the Blue Mountains have petitioned the court for ownership of Smaug’s estate, the bulk of which is represented by the Lonely Mountain and its contents.  The claim is based on the dwarves’ previous ownership of the estate and assertions that Smaug obtained the estate through dubious circumstances.

“The words of these dwarves stand on their heads,” said Ozaun, Smaug’s younger brother and next-of-kin.  “Their claims that Smaug somehow forced his way into ownership of the property are ridiculous.  The Dwarves of Erebor were in a state of financial ruin.  Their very successful extraction of gold and other valuables from the Mountain had caused runaway inflation in prices of commodities like food–particularly and especially food–as well as a significant uptick in criminal activity.  Smaug bought the place out of bankruptcy, reduced the local gold circulation, and through careful estate management has made the place a going proposition once again.  So naturally the dwarves want it back now.”

The extent of Smaug’s economic involvement in the economy of Rhovanion has been a lesson slowly and painfully learned over the last six months.  “Naturally Smaug was extremely interested in the economic well-being of the district,” said Karbomonauksyde, Smaug’s nephew and erstwhile property manager.  “It’s hard to grow your own wealth if all the lands around are economically stagnant.  Do you think dragons grow their hoard by piling it up in a great hall and sitting on it?  Of course not; it has to be invested.”

Much of that investment turned out to be in civic and infrastructure projects, especially in and around Esgaroth.  Projects undertaken by his corporate presence, Dino-Might LLC., included the extension of the pilings on the south side of the city to make room for three more city blocks, the western bridge, and the Great Marketplace.

Dino-Might LLC also provided start-up financing for a number of small businesses, including Forrester’s Blacksmith Shop of West Esgaroth, Iron Hills Savings and Loan, and the North-Lake Pony Farm and Supply Company.

“I don’t think most people quite realized just what place he had in things,” said a spokesman for the government of New Esgaroth.  “He was a major financial partner.  Of course if he caught you mishandling his money he’d eat you alive–so to speak–but he certainly had a claw in a lot that went on around here.  It might be too much to say he had a heart of gold; but he was, in his way, golden.”

Most market-watchers report confidence that a quick solution to the investigation and legal actions could prompt the beginnings of an economic recovery.

Meanwhile, markets were buoyed somewhat on news that redevelopment plans for the long-dilapidated Barad-dûr district in northern Mordor could move forward.  The plans had been held up by disagreements on the requirements for volcano insurance.

Copyright 2014–to the extent that fan fiction can be copyrighted.  Smaug, Middle-Earth, Rhovanion, Esgaroth, and all other entities appearing in “The Hobbit” and “The Lord of the Rings” are of course properties of the Tolkien estate.  Usage of these entities is deemed to comply with relevant Fair Use provisions.

News Flash: Excelsior Death Launches Inter-Agency Blame Game

La Satira News Service

The death of a lone mountaineer on the Excelsior Pass earlier this week left the many agencies that administer the pass bickering among each other over who should get the lion’s share of the blame.

“We had already published a Lowering Tempest Watch and a Raging Torrent Advisory,” said weather bureau spokesman Eric Schneestrum.  “We can’t force people to listen to the weather, much less act on our advisories.”  The spokesman argued that the Passes department should have closed the pass for the duration of the storm.

The Passes Department, for their part, also claimed to have fulfilled their obligations.  “We have one member of staff whose sole job it is to warn passersby to beware the pine tree’s withered branch and beware the awful avalanche,” said Karl Lawine, spokesman for the Passes Department.  “Our records indicate that he did his job.  But if some crazy kid wants to bear for a while ‘mid snow and ice a banner with a strange device, or anything else for that matter, there’s only so much we can do to stop them.  We’ve tried erecting barriers before, but inevitably people go around them.”

Authorities are still trying to identify the deceased, who by a faithful hound half-buried in the snow was found, still grasping with his hands of ice the banner with the strange device, “Excelsior.”  “We think maybe he was with a tour group.  In fact, judging from the banner, we think he was the tour leader but that the people he was leading abandoned him several villages ago.”

“Certainly we abandoned him,” said one tourist.  “We’d heard the warnings, but he insisted on going ever higher.  It’s a noble sentiment, but there are times when it’s carried to excess.  You might say in this case it wasn’t so much Excelsior as Excessior.”

Meanwhile, the persistent loss of life in the pass has spurred government studies for improving safety in the corridor. Proposals include widening the pass, providing well-stocked avalanche shelters at regular intervals, and removing the mountain altogether. Progress on the proposals has stalled, though, in the face of interdeparmental bickering and implementation costs that have proceeded to go ever higher.

Copyright 2013

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News Flash: ‘Lady of Shalott’ Inquest Ends Inconclusively

La Satira News Service

The inquest into the unattended death of a young woman found in a boat at Camelot’s main quay adjourned this afternoon after giving a verdict of death by misadventure, but without reaching a conclusion about either her identity or the circumstances leading to her demise.

“Let’s face it,” said coroner Byron Shelley, “we’re pretty much clueless.  She seems to have occupied the four gray walls and four gray towers that overlooked a space of flowers on the island of Shalott, but we don’t even know her name.  It’s a classic case of hiding in plain sight.  If round the prow we hadn’t read the name, the Lady of Shalott, we might never guessed where she came from.”

Positive identification–at least to the extent of identifying the deceased as the former resident of the Island of Shalott–was provided by Edward Weary, reaper, who testified, “‘Tis the fairy Lady of Shalott.”  Mr. Weary reported often hearing a song that echoed cheerly from the river winding clearly while he was reaping early in among the bearded barley.

“Based on the results of the autopsy, the only thing we can conclude is she died of exposure,” said Mr. Shelley, the coroner.  “Why she was in the boat in the first place is more than we could establish.”

Key evidence was provided by Trinny Cambridge, the deceased’s housekeeper.  “No, I didn’t know her name either,” Ms. Cambridge said.  “I called her ‘my lady,’ and she called me Cambridge.  That’s the sort of place it was–formal, like.”

Police investigating the residence detected what might have been signs of a struggle:  a knocked-over weaving loom and a large mirror, crack’d from side to side.  “Those were her two main hobbies,” Ms. Cambridge explained.  “Weaving and watching the mirror, which was pointed to reflect what was going on outside.  Oh, and singing.  But she’d got very peculiar lately, almost obsessive about her weaving and stuff.  She wouldn’t even answer the latest letter from her Danish pen-pal, Ophelia Poloniusdottir.”  It was Ms. Cambridge’s opinion that the loom and mirror might have been damaged, not by a struggle, but if the deceased had been startled by something and stood up suddenly:  she might have bumped the loom, and the loom might have bumped into the mirror and broken it.

The deceased was also evidently under some mental strain.  “She said she’d heard rumours that she was under a curse, though what that curse may be, she never said,” continued Ms. Cambridge.  “Nor did she say who she’d heard it from, seeing as the only ones she spoke to were myself and her property manager.”  Asked if the deceased could have overheard the rumor through the window, Ms. Cambridge agreed that it was a possibility.  “It seems like there’s always someone going by–a troop of damsels glad, an abbott on an ambling pad, sometimes a curly shepherd lad, and even occasionally a long-hair’d page in crimson clad.”

“Certainly we thought she was under a curse,” said Mr. Weary, the reaper.  “If she’s going to stay, weaving a web both night and day, and never come out, being under some sort of curse seemed like a reasonable explanation.  But we were careful not to talk about it where she might hear.  That would have been rude.”

The inquest was not able to hear from the property manager; Ms. Cambridge was not aware of his name or how to get in touch with him.

The star witness, albeit unintentionally, was Sir Lancelot of Camelot, whose business trips frequently took him past the Island of Shalott.  Indeed, on the day of the incident he was seen riding between the barley sheaves a bowshot from her bower-eaves.  Asked by the coroner for his opinion of the case, Lancelot said, after musing a little space, “She has a lovely face.”

“Well, the facts of the case seem to be that after rushing out of her home, finding a boat beneath a willow left afloat–the boat, not the willow–climbing on board during inclement weather, and spending the rest of the evening singing as she floated downstream, the deceased died of exposure during a period of mental imbalance brought on by worries over some curse,” the coroner concluded.  “If sitting in a boat in the middle of a rain shower chanting loudly and chanting lowly till your blood is frozen slowly isn’t a sign of mental imbalance, I don’t know what is.  But it would be worth investigating who started the rumours about this curse–and who’s going to inherit the island.”

Authorities are asking anyone who might have information on this case to contact the Camelotshire County Coroner at their earliest convenience.

JWW TheLadyOfShallot 1888

Above:  Do you know this woman’s identity?

Copyright 2013, except the picture, which apparently is now in the public domain.

News Flash: Toy Bird Manufacturer Haunted by Ghost of Hans Christian Andersen

La Satira News Service

The CEO of, a manufacturer and marketer of various as-seen-on-TV merchandise, took the unusual step of requesting a restraining order against the ghost of Hans Christian Andersen, who he says has been infesting his company’s properties.

“It started with an uptick in the number of ducks seen around our corporate campus,” said Oscar Fuglman.  “Then we started finding stray peas sitting on chairs in conference rooms, then my employees started getting strange urges to come to work wearing red shoes.  It’s beginning to affect employee morale.  The point is, he’s trespassing and he has no right to be here.”

At issue, it seems, is one item in the company’s range of products.  “We understand he’s upset about these,” said Mr. Fuglman, holding up a toy canary.  “I don’t know why; it’s a great little product.  There’s a motion sensor that makes it chirp and move when it detects, you know, motion.  It has all the advantages of owning a bird but without the messy clean-up and care issues.”

“This is an absolute travesty,” said Mr. Andersen’s ghost at a press conference, via a translator, the ghost of Maximilian Berlitz.  “This thing represents antithesis of everything I wrote about.”

While this may be an exaggeration, Mr. Andersen did famously record a short story about a mechanical bird who outperforms a live bird but ultimately proves to be inferior.

“I managed to grit what remained of my teeth through the whole gigapets craze,” said Mr. Andersen’s ghost, “but this really hits too close to home.  You’d think people don’t read my stories anymore.  If they did, they might come to understand that the imitated life is never as good as life itself.  Sure, living creatures can be a bit messy and inconvenient.  Well, guess what–life can be messy and inconvenient.  It’s still better to have real relationships in your life than just inanimate objects.  Or even animatronic objects.”

“Whereas this thing,” the ghost continued, holding up a sample of the product,  “it’s just creepy and macabre.”

Asked what steps the law enforcement community was likely to take in the situation, a spokesperson for the sheriff’s office said, “Well, Mr. Fuglman will have to get the judge to approve the restraining order, though he or she may rule that it’s outside our jurisdiction.  I’m not even sure it’s enforceable.”  Since Mr. Andersen was a Danish citizen, the spokesperson indicated it might be necessary to speak with the Danish embasssy.

Meanwhile, Mr. Andersen’s ghost vowed to keep up his crusade until E-Thingummy ceases to make and sell the toy canaries.  “I’m thinking my next demonstration might involve Mr. Fuglman’s wardrobe,” said the ghost.

Copyright 2013

News Flash: Oberon, Puck Indicted in Assault, Kidnapping Case

Titania Charged With Child Neglect

La Satira News Service

After dealing with rumors of a rift between Oberon and Titania, the fairy kingdom’s first family was further rocked this week by the formal indictment of fairy king Oberon for conspiracy, assault with a magic potion, and kidnapping.

The charges arose after Oberon hired Puck, alias Robin Goodfellow, to give Titania a magic potion that would make her more amenable to Oberon’s request that a human child in her care should be transferred to his retinue.  According to the charges, Oberon suborned his employee, Puck, to provide a magic potion that caused the victim to fall in love with the first person seen.  Oberon then used this potion on Titania to compel her to deliver to Oberon’s servants a human boy of whom Titania had legal custody.

For her part, Titania is facing charges of child neglect and endangerment.  The charges have been reduced from child abandonment following her agreement to testify against Oberon.

The child, the son of one of Titantia’s late employees, has been placed in protective custody.

Puck, who is facing charges for conspiracy and assault, as well as unrelated vandalism charges, also refused to comment, apart from stating that he was “following orders.”  The assault charges stem from Puck’s use of the magic potion on a set of humans who happened to be in the area.  Demetrius, Helena, Hermia, Lysander, and Bottom, all of Athens, have filed a civil suit against Puck for distress and mental anguish as the unwitting victims of Puck’s prank.

Helena’s suit also includes a claim for intentional infliction of emotional distress, due to the subsequent break-up of her marriage to Demetrius.  The break-up occurred after it was revealed that Demetrius had only married her in the first place due to the influence of Puck’s magic potion.  “The defendant knew perfectly well there was an antidote, and it might only be a matter of time before Demetrius ran across it,” said Homer Q. Virgil, Helena’s attorney.  “The defendant says he meant well, but considering how recklessly this was executed, he would have done better to leave the situation alone.”

Puck’s lawyer, Christopher de Vere, attempted to downplay the charges.  “Nothing that was done was specifically beyond the allowed role for mischievous fairies,” de Vere said, “I mean, what’s wrong with these people?  Can’t they take a joke?”

Copyright 2013


News Flash Extra: Carraway Accused of Gatsby Murders

La Satira News Service

West Egg, NY–Authorities in West Egg have added charges against neighbor Nick Carraway, accusing him of masterminding the killing spree that claimed the lives of socialite Jay Gatsby, garage attendant George Wilson, and the latter’s wife, Myrtle Wilson.

Investigators had previously identified Carraway as a “person of interest” in the case. The West Egg police chief refused to comment on what new evidence had come to light to cause them to add the new charges.

“Mr. Carraway is clearly a dangerous person,” said a source close to the case. “Even though he gives the impression of being easy-going and friendly, almost to the point of imbecility, he has shown an amazing ability to get his way. Witness his ability to get a job as a bond salesman and keep it, even though there’s no record of him actually doing work for his ostensible employer.”

According to charges, Mr. Carraway did not take the 3:30 train to West Egg on the day in question, as he claimed, but in fact took an earlier train, and was lurking in Gatsby’s yard when Wilson arrived. Carraway allegedly ambushed Gatsby, then manipulated Wilson into committing suicide.

The turning point in the case came after new evidence came in from a police informant known only as M. W., who claimed to have been a confidant of Gatsby.  M. W.’s testimony suggests that Gatsby was secretly worried by the presence of Mr. Carraway, owing to some incident in Montenegro during the Great War.

Police are also seeking the whereabouts of a man known only as Klipspringer who was staying at Gatsby’s residence and might know more. No one has reported seeing Klipspringer since the fateful afternoon.

“Mr. Carraway certainly tells a compelling story,” said W. T. Cringeworthy, the assistant District Attorney prosecuting the case. “He has a flair for detail and colorful imagery, and some might even say symbolism; but that shouldn’t blind us to the fact that practically everything we know about the case is told from his perspective–we only see what he wants us to see. We believe Mr. Carraway had reason to want Mr. Gatsby dead, and that he was ruthless enough not to mind the deaths of the Wilsons as well. We also believe he is trying to incriminate his so-called friends the Buchanans…not that much needed to be done to incriminate them.”

Lawyers representing Mr. Carraway, who are being supplied by the Mr. Carraway’s employer, had no comment.

Anyone with further information in the case is advised to contact the West Egg Police Department at their earliest convenience.

Copyright 2013