La Satira News Service
Sources at the Centers for Disease Control have indicated that, contrary to normal practice, resources will be deployed in an attempt to mitigate the effects of the ongoing Iowacoccus plague that has been affecting 10-20 people across the country.
“Normally this wouldn’t be a problem,” said Dr. Germaine Flew of the Office of High-Consequence Pathogens. “Every few years we have a small outbreak, and apart from a few weird symptoms, the cases typically resolve themselves in a few months. However, over the past decade the trend is for the outbreaks to start sooner and resolve later. This is of course worrisome, and we feel it needs further investigation.”
The current outbreak has been active for most of the last two years, though Dr. Flew suggests the contagion may have been active much earlier.
Fortunately, the indications of the disease are not especially severe. The main symptom is usually an irresistible urge to wander around the countryside shaking hands, kissing babies, eating terrible food in a terrible hurry, and making outlandish promises that the victim has no credible means of fulfilling. The disease may also manifest itself as an incipient or fully-developed narcissism.
The Iowacoccus disease has only been observed to be fatal to presidential aspirations.
While many people see CDC involvement as a welcome intervention, questions remain about what can actually be done to help the sufferers. “That’s part of what we need to find out to combat the disease,” admitted Dr. Flew. “There’s some reason to think that a series of lectures on basic economic principles might be helpful, along with a course of demotivational therapy. Until we identify the primary source of the infection, this may be the best we can do for now.”