La Satira News Service
A popular quote making the rounds on the Internet was indeed spoken by Abraham Lincoln, researchers at the University of Pomme de Terre claim.
The quote, in which the 16th president purportedly lays question to the reliability of quotations posted on the Internet, is frequently used to invoke skepticism about the reliability of postings made by others.
“Naturally we were surprised to find evidence that the quote is genuine,” said Adam Smith of the university’s Department of Historical Research. “Everyone has always assumed that Mr. Lincoln died long before the internet age. And so he did.”
Prof. Smith points to new evidence that, owing to the questionable activities of certain time travel researchers from the University of Punxsutawney, the nation’s 16th president actually spent some time in the early 21st century, sharing an apartment suite with Elvis Presley.
“The facts clearly point to the conclusion that Mr. Lincoln spent some time in the not-so-distant past, or perhaps even the present,” Prof. Smith said. “How else could he have such faith that the Union would survive the Civil War?”
Asked how Lincoln’s fateful trip to Ford’s Theater squared with his alleged knowledge of future events, Prof. Smith pointed only to Mr. Lincoln’s deep sense of destiny.
For its part, officials at the University of Punxsutawney denied the existence of any past, present, or future programs for studying time travel, and suggested that Prof. Smith’s imagination was perhaps running away with him.
Prof. Smith acknowledged that his claims were bound to meet with a certain amount of doubt. “I can’t blame people for being skeptical,” he said. “After all, President Lincoln’s quote is true, whether you believe he said it or not. And there are far too many people who take things at face value. Or, as Dr. Barney Cull, the octopus specialist in our Marine Biology Department, once famously observed, there’s a sucker born every minute.”