La Satira News Service
Leicester, England–25 March 2595. A panel of prominent archaeologists announced at a news conference this morning that the skeleton found under a slab of tarmac at the Leicestershire Regional Spaceport last year is, indeed, the sadly-abused body of King Richard III, the last English monarch to die in battle.
The skeleton was located and dug up after researchers identified Landing Platform 83 as the site of the former Leicester Cathedral, which was demolished in the late 22nd century following an error at the regional zoning and planning office. Richard’s body had been interred at the Cathedral in 2015, where it was laid to rest after being discovered under a parking lot.
“Richard’s skeleton was in remarkably good condition, considering it’s more than a thousand years old,” said Dr. Anne Teak, who discovered the body, “and considering how many vehicles of various descriptions have been parked on top of it over the years.”
Meanwhile, a fight is brewing over where to dispose of the body this time. Officials with the Leicestershire Tourist Authority and other local government bodies insist that the ancient king should be reburied in the Leicester Generic Religious Purposes Building, the officially-recognized successor to the demolished Cathedral. Authorities in York, however, claim Richard should be buried there, based on his family’s historic connections to the city and dukedom of York.
All parties are in agreement, however, that the burial should not take place at the business of local personal transport salesman G. M. Ford. Mr. Ford has suggested that, as the poor fellow seemed to keep ending up under parking lots, a lot of trouble could be saved by reburying him under Mr. Ford’s vehicle showroom. “We like to say that our transport vehicles are fit for a king,” Mr. Ford was quoted as saying. “Why shouldn’t our showroom be as well?”
“There’s no doubt Richard III had a turbulent life and a short and unhappy reign,” said Dr. Teak at the news conference. “Who could have guessed, though, that that turbulence would go into quite this many extra innings?”
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