La Satira News Service
Wellesley Widget Corporation announced today that it was banning sales of Girl Guard cookies in the office, effective immediately.
The move follows a series of outbreaks of violence related to sales of the popular confection, which support the mission of the historic organization for girls.
“It’s one thing to advertise your child’s sale on the company bulletin board or leaving order forms in prominent locations,” said a company spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s quite another when people start hiding the order forms of others, sabotaging people’s cars so they miss a day of sales, or accusing their coworkers of diluting their supply with store-brand cookies.”
The spokesman emphasized that the move did not intend to single out the Girl Guards or their overall mission; it was simply their product that provided the impetus for the action.
The move follows a growing trend as more and more companies lower the boom on charity sales in the workplace due to similar incidents.
“In a way, it was inevitable,” said Professor Adam Malthus of the University of Punxsutawney’s College of Marketing and Biochemistry. “Ideally, of course, the kids are supposed to learn the importance of industry and initiative, and all that. But you can’t imagine sending kids door-to-door these days; and opportunities to sell in stores are limited.
“Having a parent take the brochures to work is not an unreasonable answer. But then, of course, you face all that pressure to be a good parent and get as many sales as you possibly can. Result: parents end up doing very childish things in their competition to support an organization whose mission is to support character and cooperation. And let’s face it: not all the things that get sold in these sorts of events are as popular as the cookies, which just ratchets up the pressure.”
Companies that make and distribute items for sale in school fundraising drives are taking note of the changing sales environment. Specifically, they are noticing the rising parental violence and suggesting schools consider selling tickets to boxing and/or wrestling matches involving the more combative of the parents.
“It’s a shame it had to end like this,” said Professor Malthus about the end of in-office sales. “But I guess that’s how the cookie–well, you know.”
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