La Satira News Service
Agricola, Illinois–Residents of this normally peaceful farming community are recovering from a night of terror and confusion that culminated in the disruption of a routine community gathering and the wanton destruction of an elevator silo, leaving an unknown number of people dead or injured.
“We really aren’t sure what happened,” said George Hanover, the mayor of the community. “We were having our quarterly pie supper at the Armory, when all of a sudden the building was surrounded by a bunch of people who looked dead on their feet, all shuffling around and moaning and crying out ‘Grains! Grains!’ in unearthly voices. It got really weird after that.”
According to other witnesses, the mob then broke into the building and kidnapped one Charles Stuart, the manager of the local grain elevator. Authorities believe Mr. Stuart was taken to the grain elevator, but have been unable to reconstruct events after that.
Rumors over the nature of the mob continue to circulate. “It was zombies,” said William Rufus, a local property owner. “There’s no doubt about it, what with the funny walk, the dull, lifeless manner, the odd smell that accompanied them, the way they were hunting for grains… okay, slightly confused zombies. But zombies, nonetheless.”
Others theorize that the mob was made up of escapees from the Karb-o-Zap Health Farm, a lifestyle and fitness spa that promotes weight loss through a patented diet extremely low in carbohydrates. The spa, located a mile outside town, caters mainly to city-dwellers looking to get healthy on a tight schedule. According to this theory, the grain elevator was targeted as the nearest available source of carbohydrates, since the town of Agricola lacks a full-service grocery store.
“It would make sense,” said Dr. Richard Plantagenet, the town’s only medical professional. “Many of the symptoms exhibited by the mob suggest that they weren’t in fact zombies but sufferers of the most extreme case of ketosis I’ve ever seen. People on a low-carb, high exercise diet could easily find themselves with all sorts of medical problems, such as calcium deficiencies, flagging energy levels, halitosis, and other digestive ailments. I can see why they would be very interested in getting to the grain supply at any cost.”
Dr. Plantagenet suggested that the sudden energy rush from eating the stored grain might have contributed to the destruction of the silo. “Still, it should be easy to find the culprits. They may just be under the rubble, sleeping it off.”
Representatives of the Karb-o-Zap Health Farm were not available for comment.