La Satira News Service
WESTMINSTER–In a tumultuous session of Parliament today, the Warwick Commission presented its final report on the disappearance of the young King Edward V and his brother, Richard Duke of York, from the Tower of London in A.D. 1483.
The Commission, headed by Edward, 17th Earl of Warwick, was appointed by Henry VII to investigate the disappearances and comment on its relationship, if any, to the usurpation of the throne by Edward V’s uncle, Richard Duke of Gloucester.
According to the report:
“So make it known to those assembled here,
The fate that met our royal cousins dear,
And all that appertains thereto, anon
You shall perceive: It was a henchman lone
Who carried out this foul, unlawful deed.
Hence let us not on silly rumors feed.”
The report concludes that the princes were abducted and probably murdered by one Sir James Tyrrell, acting on his own initiative. Further, the Commission supported the hypothesis that it would have been possible for Sir James to make his way into the princes’ quarters and carry out his operation without the aid of the two men-at-arms, Dighton and Forrest–the so-called “single bully” theory.
On the other hand, the Commission declined to look into evidence that suggested the vanished princes were ineligible for the throne. Sir James is believed to be currently at large in France.
The Commission also declined to explain why it chose to deliver its report in iambic pentameter. “Probably just showing off,” suggested William Long, MP for Old Sarum. “Still, it might make good dramatic material, once all the furor has died down a bit. But there’s no way iambic pentameter is going to become the dominant form of literature in England–not in a hundred years.”
Throughout the inquiry, the Commission heard from a number of witnesses who claim to have been in or around the Tower during the period of the Princes’ confinement. The inquiry was complicated, though, by the fact that many sources whose testimony would have been invaluable, such as Robert Brackenbury, the erstwhile Constable of the Tower, perished during the Battle of Bosworth in A. D. 1485.
Critics of the Commission’s report claim–very quietly–that the young Earl of Warwick is not competent to chair such an important body. “For one thing,” said one dissenter who referred to himself as Lambert the Unready, “he’s very young, and even if he were older, his upbringing can’t have prepared him for this kind of responsibility. And then there’s the little detail that he’s related to most of the people involved. This has conflict-of-interest written all over it.”
“This is a whitewash job if ever I’ve seen one,” said villager Martin Foote of Lower Phalanges, Bucks. “It wouldn’t surprise me a bit if the Ancient Brotherhood of Cement-Mixers weren’t involved. I mean, who do you think built the staircase that the princes were supposedly buried under? Of course they’d be involved!”
Depending on whom one asks, suspicion may also rest upon the late Duke of Buckingham, King Louis XII of France, the Pope, and the drivers of the flying carriages occasionally reported in the vicinity of Salisbury Plain.
Others, however, found reason to defend the report as it stands. “It has the benefit of simplicity,” said clerk Thomas Occam of Bickingford. “It doesn’t rely on silly conspiracy theories. Perhaps surprisingly, it doesn’t automatically cast blame on that convenient bogeyman, Richard III. That may be telling.”
A spokesman for the Earl of Warwick brushed off the dissent. “It is hard to understate the upheaval that these events have caused in the history of our country,” said Sir John Poole of Middleham. “However, I’m confident that, upon study and reflection, this report will finally close the book on the whole unhappy episode and allow the country to get on with things. It’s a comfort to know that we won’t have to spend the next five hundred years arguing over it.”
Parliament is expected to consider the full report and vote to accept it later on this month.
Copyright 2014–only 531 years late….