News Flash: Smeagol Estate Sues Otolaryngologist

(**spoilers!**)

Rhovanion Times-Observer

Lawyers for the estate of Smeagol the Stoor filed suit in Upper Anduin Superior Court this week, claiming that their misdiagnosis led to a life of misery and rejection on the part of their client.

According to the lawsuit, filed by the legal firm of Gridi, Smarmi, Snobi, and Rood on behalf of the estate, physicians at the Gladden Fields Otolaryngology Clinic failed to provide the proper treatment for the sinus condition that caused the plaintiff to begin gurgling in his throat.

According to medical records, Smeagol was diagnosed with acute sinus drainage due to his habit of fishing in marshes and skulking in dank caverns.  This condition gradually worsened to the point where he was constantly swallowing or clearing his throat.  This led to him being given an opprobrious nickname, “Gollum,” and suffering a number of related indignities in addition to the actual suffering caused by his condition.

For treatment, the clinic offered a few prescription herbs and advice to stay out of damp environments such as caves and swamps.

“Clearly, the treatment provided by the clinic was insufficient to the situation,” said Mr. Smarmi on behalf of the plantiff.  “If the condition had been properly dealt with at the outset, my client might never have been subjected to the humiliations that caused him to embark upon his career of murder and mayhem, leading to his eventual ruin.  And I do mean, eventual.”

When asked whom exactly the estate was acting for, since Smeagol himself had no obvious heirs, Mr. Smarmi indicated they were acting in the interests of the plaintiffs of the dozen or so damages cases filed against the estate by various parties over the years, including the Misty Mountains Speleological Society, the City and County of Esgaroth, the City of Dale, the Kingdom of Elvish Mirkwood, and the Ithilien Bureau of Fish and Wildlife Conservation.  Additional claims by the Domain of Mordor are held to have lapsed.  “You have to have grist before you can grind,” said Mr. Smarmi, “and you have to have assets before you can meaningfully allocate claims.”

A source close to the defendant suggested the lawsuit was frivolous.  “If the patient won’t follow the prescription provided by the clinic, what can we do?  And it’s not like there were a lot of treatment options to start with.  I mean, we’ve spent the last six thousand years locked into a preindustrial economy with a quasi-feudal political structure.  How do they expect us to produce medical miracles in this sort of milieu?”

Lawyers for the Gladden Fields Otolaryngology Clinic are expected to file a motion to dismiss the case on the grounds that the deadline imposed by the Statute of Limitations has passed by more than 550 years.

Copyright 2014 to the extent applicable.  Smeagol and all other characters from Tolkien’s work are the property of the Tolkien estate.  Use of these names in this work is considered to represent Fair Use under applicable copyright laws.

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