La Satira News Service
Senator Lucius H. Quaggmeyer announced today that he would step down from his position as chairman of the Senate McCarthyism Investigation Committee after his fellow committee members accused him of engaging in McCarthyian tactics.
The McCarthyism Investigation Committee (MIC) exists to eliminate political witch-hunts of the sort conducted by Senator Joseph McCarthy in the 1950s, ostensibly for the purpose of removing Communist sympathizers from government positions. McCarthy’s efforts quickly evolved such that anyone who opposed McCarthy could have their careers ruined, whether they were Communist sympathizers or not. The MIC investigates charges of such abuses of power among members of Congress and reprimands those found guilty of employing McCarthyian tactics.
The committee’s reprimands lead to public disgrace for the recipients, and almost inevitably spell the effective end of their political careers.
“I’ll gladly offer comments on today’s events,” said Sen. Quaggmeyer as he departed from his final meeting with the committee, “as soon as I figure out exactly what happened. We were about to recommend a reprimand for Congressman Edward M. Broglio due to his failure to condemn the McCarthyian tactics of former Congresswoman Imogene Bickerstaff. Then someone accused me–me!–of engaging in political witch hunts.”
“Was I aggressively investigating people?” the Senator continued. “Of course I was. We’ve got to get these McCarthyists out of government.”
The resignation of Senator Quaggmeyer leaves the way clear for Senator Austen Sibley to step up to the chairmanship. However, internal rumblings suggest that his tenure may not last very long.
“There’s a feeling on the committee that Sibley might be a little soft on McCarthyism, and that he might even have sympathies towards those who engage in such tactics,” said one source who chose to remain anonymous. “If there’s anything we will not tolerate in politics, it’s someone who has sympathies for people who engage in McCarthian tactics. So expect him to be denounced and crushed almost as soon as he becomes chairman.”
Some insiders have suggested that the MIC ought to be done away with, as its actions only lead to embarrassment and instability; however, none have gone so far as to submit a bill to disband it. “That would be political suicide,” said one insider.
Meanwhile, Senator Quaggmeyer has indicated that he expects to leave the Senate at the end of his current term.