La Satira News Service
The CEO of E-Thingummy.com, a manufacturer and marketer of various as-seen-on-TV merchandise, took the unusual step of requesting a restraining order against the ghost of Hans Christian Andersen, who he says has been infesting his company’s properties.
“It started with an uptick in the number of ducks seen around our corporate campus,” said Oscar Fuglman. “Then we started finding stray peas sitting on chairs in conference rooms, then my employees started getting strange urges to come to work wearing red shoes. It’s beginning to affect employee morale. The point is, he’s trespassing and he has no right to be here.”
At issue, it seems, is one item in the company’s range of products. “We understand he’s upset about these,” said Mr. Fuglman, holding up a toy canary. “I don’t know why; it’s a great little product. There’s a motion sensor that makes it chirp and move when it detects, you know, motion. It has all the advantages of owning a bird but without the messy clean-up and care issues.”
“This is an absolute travesty,” said Mr. Andersen’s ghost at a press conference, via a translator, the ghost of Maximilian Berlitz. “This thing represents antithesis of everything I wrote about.”
While this may be an exaggeration, Mr. Andersen did famously record a short story about a mechanical bird who outperforms a live bird but ultimately proves to be inferior.
“I managed to grit what remained of my teeth through the whole gigapets craze,” said Mr. Andersen’s ghost, “but this really hits too close to home. You’d think people don’t read my stories anymore. If they did, they might come to understand that the imitated life is never as good as life itself. Sure, living creatures can be a bit messy and inconvenient. Well, guess what–life can be messy and inconvenient. It’s still better to have real relationships in your life than just inanimate objects. Or even animatronic objects.”
“Whereas this thing,” the ghost continued, holding up a sample of the product, “it’s just creepy and macabre.”
Asked what steps the law enforcement community was likely to take in the situation, a spokesperson for the sheriff’s office said, “Well, Mr. Fuglman will have to get the judge to approve the restraining order, though he or she may rule that it’s outside our jurisdiction. I’m not even sure it’s enforceable.” Since Mr. Andersen was a Danish citizen, the spokesperson indicated it might be necessary to speak with the Danish embasssy.
Meanwhile, Mr. Andersen’s ghost vowed to keep up his crusade until E-Thingummy ceases to make and sell the toy canaries. “I’m thinking my next demonstration might involve Mr. Fuglman’s wardrobe,” said the ghost.