La Satira News Service
The search for the body of an iconic 20th-century labor leader ended suddenly and unexpectedly yesterday when the icon in question wandered into a restaurant in a remote corner of Nevada.
“Well, I sort of grew up seeing him on the news,” said Walter Ernshaw, the proprietor of the Hot Times Grill in the small community of Astatine, Nevada. “When he walked into my restaurant, I thought he looked a bit familiar. That attracted my attention. And he was acting strange, constantly humming Elvis songs. And the more I looked at him, the more I realized it was him–looking just like he did in his photos…which was surprising, since those photos are nearly 40 years old.”
The icon, who was as famous for his ties to organized crime as his sudden disappearance, is being referred to as Johnny Hoffman, pending an official decision about his legal status and confirmation of his identity. “Mr. Hoffman” reportedly gave no explanation of his whereabouts for the past 38 years. “He said he’d been travelling a lot lately,” said bureau spokesperson F___ M___, “and some of the travel was said to be at very high speeds.”
The spokesman declined to answer questions about Mr. Hoffman’s legal status or his failure to age over the last four decades.
Nor was much information forthcoming during his restaurant visit. “I did ask about his humming,” said restaurant proprietor Ernshaw. “He said he’d had a lot of opportunity to listen to Elvis Presley lately, and it was sort of stuck in his mind.”
Located not too far from cultural icon Area 51, the town of Astatine is no stranger to strange circumstances. The town is also near a former storage site for Caterpillar construction equipment, the pilfering of which preceded a number of UFO sightings.
Asked what the strangest element of life in Astatine was, Mr. Ernshaw hesitantly replied, “The tourists who come to see Area 51 stuff.”
Meanwhile, reports are emerging that the government has suspended the latest search for the body of the labor icon. Instead, the government is beginning to investigate the question of whether the various presumed leads provided over the last forty years were in fact practical jokes perpetrated by bored former mobsters.