La Satira News Service
The beef industry was rocked this week by allegations that prominent cattle ranches were involved in a conspiracy to boost production by injecting their cattle with growth hormones derived from human athletes.
Authorities initially became suspicious when a herd of cattle were observed racing through the village of Lower Sprocket on bicycles while wearing hoofbands and other sports equipment emblazoned with the logo of LIVESTOCK, a charity devoted to the elimination of Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy.
“If they’d asked, we could have told them years ago that something was wrong,” said Archibald McDonald, whose farm shares a small lake with the Augean Farms property. “Usually a pond that deep would be enough to discourage cattle from crossing. But not these–every so often, I’ll come out here and they’ll be swimming back and forth. I think they’re using the brisket-stroke, but I could be wrong.”
The final straw came when investigators started to look into reports of massive quantities of weight-lifting equipment purchased by the farm. When the investigators arrived, the cattle appeared to be having some sort of modified clean-and-jerk competition–or, in the words of the investigator, “clean and jerky.”
“It’s not hard to figure out what’s going on,” said Angus Hurd from the Department of Agriculture (DoA). “Farmers and scientists are always looking for ways to get food animals to build more muscle more rapidly; and of course human athletes are known for the lengths they go to–literally, in many cases–to improve their condition. It seems someone found a way to extract human-derived steroids for injection into cattle. Naturally, there are a few side effects.”
“This is obviously a violation of all sorts of health, safety, and food purity regulations,” Mr. Hurd continued. “While growth hormones are hardly a novel tool for boosting beef and dairy productivity, this is absolutely beyond the pale.”
A spokesperson for the LIVESTOCK charity declined to comment directly on the case, instead encouraging everyone to allow investigators to go through their normal procedures and reach logical conclusions “before anyone has a cow.”