La Satira News Service
WEST PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA–Authorities are conferring over what to do about a self-proclaimed time-traveller who turned himself in this afternoon, confessing to “crimes against the time-space continuum” and citing impacts to how certain holidays are treated in American culture.
A man calling himself Dr. Chronophobos showed up at the police station and insisted he wanted to turn himself in for crimes related to his invention of a time machine. Dr. Chronophobos claims to be a research professor at the nearby University of Punxsutawney’s Department of Temporal Physics. According to Dr. Chronophobos, he was able to create a working time machine and during a trial run made modifications that changed the relative importance of certain ethnic Celtic holidays in America.
After consulting with the Assistant District Attorney, the West Punxsutawney police force declined to arrest Dr. Chronophobos due to lack of evidence. “The lack of evidence,” Dr. Chronophobos was heard to say as he was escorted from police headquarters, “is exactly what proves my point.”
“I didn’t really notice the impacts until last November, when just after Thanksgiving the grocery stores failed to stock their normal supply of haggis and turnips to celebrate St. Andrews Day on November 30th,” Dr. Chronophobos explained as he set up a small camp on police property which he pledged to occupy until the police take him seriously. “Then the day came and went without any Scottish Heritage parades or anything–they didn’t even dye the Chicago River plaid, like they normally did. Then March rolls around, and suddenly corned beef and cabbage go on sale. And now we have the parades and all. And the dyeing of the river. Whoever heard of dyeing a river green?”
When asked how exactly one dyes a river plaid, Dr. Chronophobos lamented, “We’ll never know, now.”
Professor David George, professor of sociology at the University of Punxsutawney, is not among those convinced by the story. “Even if it were possible to go back in time and swap the relative importances of the Scottish and Irish national holidays, I’m not sure St. Andrew’s Day would have been the big one. If you’re expecting a celebration of a particular person to morph into a celebration of that person’s culture, it helps if the person you’re ostensibly celebrating is uniquely associated with that culture. From that perspective, Dr. Chronophobos’ story would have sounded more probable if Robert Burns Day had been the big event.”
“Of course,” Professor George added, “you could also make the argument that if he were lying he would have come up with a better story.”
University officials deny that there is or ever has been a Dr. Chronophobos associated with the University, never mind a Department of Temporal Physics. “Well, not now, obviously,” said Dr. Chronophobos when asked about this fact. “But if people keep experimenting in time travel, who knows what might happen? We might turn around and there wouldn’t even be a University of Punxsutawney.”
Copyright 2013–yes, really.
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