Greater Snowmass, New Hampshire. As part of a larger crackdown on traffic violations and other crimes, the city has issued an arrest warrant for Frosty T. Snowman on charges of jaywalking and endangering the welfare of minors.
The charge dates from an incident years ago, in which Mr. Snowman, while ostensibly having fun with a group of children, defied a direction from a policeman directing traffic and led the group across a busy street.
“The evidence clearly indicates a shocking level of irresponsibility on the part of Mr. Snowman, ” said Officer Hans Gotcher, a spokesman for the Greater Snowmass police force. “We discourage jaywalking at the best of times, but to jaywalk with a bunch of children in tow is absolutely beyond the pale. We made out a ticket at the time, but as Mr. Snowman has taken no action on it for years, we are forced to escalate this to a warrant.”
Mr. Snowman’s defenders suggest the situation was not a matter of carefree defiance of the law. “As I recall,” said Peter Hawthorne, a participant in the activities in question, “the sun was hot that day. We were faced with a medical emergency: Frosty had to get out of town before he melted away.”
Officer Gotcher dismissed the validity of the “emergency” defense. “If it were a true emergency, the appropriate action would have been to communicate the emergency to the traffic policeman, who could have then dealt with the situation accordingly. As far as the evidence indicates, no such effort was made.”
Officers are advised to be on the lookout for snowmen sporting a corn-cob pipe, a button nose, two eyes made out of coal, and an old top-hat.
“He said he’d be back again some day,” said Officer Gotcher. “We’ll be ready for him.”
The city also issued an arrest warrant for Suzy Snowflake, age unknown, wanted for trespassing and stalking. Ms. Snowflake has a documented history of tap, tap, tapping at people’s window panes to let them know she is in town.
Merry Christmas from The Punnery and La Satira News Service.