La Satira News Service
In an astonishing development, Kryptonian-American immigrant Kal-El was expelled from the League of Justice over his continued use of the term “Superman” as a professional title. A statement released from the League stated that the name “Superman” carried a tacit assertion of personal superiority that was inconsistent with the League’s ideals of social parity.
“In this day and age, it’s inconceivable that someone would use such a blatantly pretentious professional name,” said John Smith of the Associated Society for Complete Egalitarianism and National Transformation (ASCENT), which has lobbied the League of Justice for some time on the matter. “Someone with such an extreme superiority complex can hardly be considered a hero from any modern perspective. Does he really think he’s better than all the rest of us? And don’t even get me started on the term ‘superhero.’ Or even ‘hero.’ It’s totally inappropriate to suggest some people are better than others.” Mr. Smith claimed no objection to Mr. El’s activities in general, and suggested that he might support Mr. El’s reinstatement to the League, if Mr. El chose a less condescending working name. “What about ‘Normalguy’?” Mr. Smith suggested. “Or even just using his own name?”
At the proceedings, Mr. El’s lawyers countered that the name “Superman” was more in reference to his abnormal physical abilities rather than claims of or belief in his own personal or moral superiority. Outside the chambers where the proceedings were proceeding, Mr. El’s supporters suggested that even if he was claiming a personal superiority, the claim would not be far-fetched. “He’s Superman, for crying out loud,” said one supporter. “He’s out there fighting for truth, justice, and the American way.”
Mr. Smith’s reply that “fighting for the ‘American way’ was hardly likely to fly in today’s multicultural world” was not well-received by the crowd, nor was the verdict.
Elsewhere, Mr. El’s more personal friends were unanimous in their support. “This is just crazy,” said James Olsen, a long-time sympathizer. “Is it really normal to leap tall buildings in a single bound or travel faster than a speeding bullet? Besides, imagine how it sounds: ‘It’s a bird! No, it’s a plane! No, it’s Normalguy!’ It just doesn’t have the same ring.”
Mr. El had no comment on the matter. In recent weeks, Mr. El has been spending considerable time in consultation with astronomers and scientists from NASA on a research program to identify other habitable planets in neighboring star systems.
In other celebrity news, journalist Clark Kent is said to have put his Metropolis condo on the market. There is no word on where he might be moving to, but he has been overheard saying that his next address will be “somewhere out of this world.”
Copyright 2012 to the extent applicable. Superman and company were created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster; they may belong to DC Comics, but after 70 years of court battles, it’s hard to be sure.
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