News Flash: Code Violations, Unpermitted Burn Tied to Valhalla Tragedy

Rhinemaidens Cited For Disturbing Crime Scene; Alberich the Dwarf Sought For Questioning

La Satira News Service 

Investigators continue to comb through the charred remains of Valhalla Castle seeking clues about the cause of the conflagration last week that claimed the lives of an unknown number of people.

Factors in the fire include a large amount of brushwood piled up agains the castle walls and the lack of any adequate fire suppression systems.  “Even once the fire reached Valhalla,” said Hans Richter, the officer conducting the investigation, “a good sprinkler system would have provided vital time for everyone to get out.”  Investigators pursued the option of citing the builders of the castle; however, the general contractors who built it, Fasolt, Fafner, and Associates, are no longer in practice.  Both of the principals are currently deceased.

Investigators are also looking into an unpermitted funeral pyre nearby.  “It’s possible the Valhalla fire was set alight by sparks from this fire,” said Richter.  “Given that the funeral pyre was set by the daughter of Valhalla’s owner for the grandson of Valhalla’s owner, that certainly suggests a connection somewhere.  In any event, the pyre was illegal; the zoning for this site does not list ‘funeral pyre’ as a permitted use.”  Attempts to issue a citation have been thwarted by the fact that the person who instigated the pyre, Brunnhilde Valkyrie, also perished in the incident.

While details about the incident remain elusive, locals familiar with the Valhalla compound are perhaps less surprised than some might suspect.  “Sure, everybody imagines Valhalla as an amazing place full of fascinating characters,” said neighbor Lohengrin von Parzival.  “The reality is, Wotan’s little gang has had us worried for a long time now.  There are all sorts of stories associated with that group–suspicious and violent death, betrayal, vengeance, love triangles, things that would make even a Reality-TV producer cringe.  We’re talking about a pattern of violence that stretches back for generations.  And at the center of it, there’s been this Wotan character, making himself out to be sort of deity.  It’s like some sort of weird and particularly unpleasant cult.  It’s no wonder they all came to a nasty end.”

As the investigation continues, authorities have served an arrest warrant to nearby residents Woglinda, Wellgunde, and Flosshilde, known locally as the Rhinemaidens, for theft and disturbing a crime scene, after reports emerged that the Rhinemaidens were seen making off with a golden ring salvaged from the fire.

The Rhinemaidens denied the theft accusation.  “The gold involved was our property to start with,” said Flosshilde, speaking on behalf of the group.  “You can’t steal something that’s rightfully yours.”

Police throughout the country have been told to be on the lookout for Alberich Nibelung, who is wanted for questioning in the matter.  And if any other witnesses wished to step forward, Richter indicated that would be fine with him.  “We would be very interested in finding anyone who has information on this matter,” said Richter. “Somebody must know something.  With the Wotan gang’s reputation, I guess some people would be a little reluctant to make themselves known; but we’re confident that when the time is right, someone is going to sing.”

Copyright 2012.

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One Response to “News Flash: Code Violations, Unpermitted Burn Tied to Valhalla Tragedy”

  1. dhparker Says:

    Love it!

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