La Satira News Service:
For those who have been quietly preparing for the zombie apocalypse: It’s here. Sort of.
Parties of zombies have been seen roaming the countryside around the Leakesville Nuclear Power and Exotic Chemical Supply Company, leaving chaos in their wake–but with a slight twist. Unlike normal zombies, which famously roam the countryside looking for brains, these seem to be on the lookout for Brians.
Detailed reports of zombie activity are still scarce. A small group of travellers stranded on a lonely road in the middle of last night’s fog was terrorized by a party of zombies for several minutes. Once it became clear to them that the group did not include anyone named Brian, the zombies left without further incident.
“It’s a good thing we all had our driver’s licenses with us,” said Edward Bellows, a member of the group. “Somehow I never expected to be asked by a zombie to show photo ID; but it’s a funny old world.”
Only one casualty has been reported so far: one Mr. Brian O’Brien, a security guard at the power plant.
Zombie experts are uncertain about the cause of this curious behavior. One local expert, Mort U. Airey, claims these zombies appeared following the accidental release of an experimental substance into a nearby cemetery. According to Mr. Airey, the substance in question was emitting alphabeta radiation. Unlike alpha, beta, or gamma radiation, the principle effect of alphabeta radiation is to damage a person’s ability to spell.
A spokesman for the power plant, Les Bavardes, denied the connection. “Everybody assumes that just because there’s somebody doing scientific research, if there’s a zombie infestation, it’s the scientists’ fault,” said Mr. Bavardes. “And yet all the serious literature on the subject indicates that zombies are scientifically impossible. Therefore, it stands to reason that whatever created these zombies, there can’t have been a scientific cause.”
“In any case, the health risks of alphabeta radiation are clearly overblown. The stuff that’s supposedly emitting this radiation has been used in Smartphones, tablet computers, and other texting devices for years, and nobody has reported any ill effects.”
“If I were the authorities,” Mr. Bavardes went on, “I’d be looking for someone with a background in this sort of thing. Maybe someone who has had a bad experience lately, and who perhaps lost his job and is feeling embittered. They’re probably the one who cast this spell. Or should I say, this misspell.”
This zombie outbreak follows another incident earlier this month in which a group of zombies attacked a EulaMart grocery store, breaking the glass windows and wreaking havoc on the way to the cereal aisle, where they made off with the store’s supply of raisin bran, All-Bran, and bran flakes.
“Actually they weren’t all that terrifying,” said shopkeeper Alfred Whipple, recalling the incident. “Well, apart from the fact that they were, you know, zombies. They even signed the license agreements,” Mr. Whipple added, referring to EulaMart’s peculiar customer service habits, “though I noticed they didn’t read them all the way through.”
Local authorities hope to have the problem cleared up soon. Meanwhile, people named Brian are advised to avoid the area around the Leakesville Nuclear Power Plant and Exotic Chemical Supply Company.
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