La Satira News Service
After years of trying to stay financially afloat and sustain its membership in the European common currency, the government of Greece has renounced the Euro and said it would begin circulating a new currency. The name of the new currency? The Gyro, named after the popular sandwich, and pronounced /YEER-oh/.
“We are exceedingly pleased to announce this new development,” said the latest Greek finance minister, Giorgios Pappadapolous, at a press conference. “The biggest question we face is why everyone assumed we would go back to the drachma. As we move into the post-European era, it is important that we should be looking forward, rather than backward. And that’s why we picked a new name for our currency.”
The new currency will also be remarkable in that it will be the only currency backed by a sandwich. “When you think of all the things money is supposed to do,” said Pappadapolous, “one of the main things is to help feed the people who use it. So what better way to do that than to have it backed by the food of the same name? That way if the common people ever need to, they can readily exchange their money for food. Besides, if we ever need to devalue the currency, all we have to do is shrink the size of the pita and use less tzatziki.”
“In any event, even if our currency is only backed by a sandwich, it’s still more than what’s backing some countries,” Pappadapolous added, taking a swipe at countries using fiat currency.
Banknotes and coins for the new currency are still under development. The proposed design for the one-gyro coin calls for it to be, rather than flat and round like most coins, shaped like an overloaded burrito.
Opposition in Brussels Sprouts
The move has gotten a cool reception from the European Union headquarters in Brussels, where diplomats have accused Greece of deliberately trying to create confusion by adopting a currency whose name sounds like the Euro. “We harbor no illusions that the new Greek currency will maintain par value with the Euro, no matter what they call it,” said Biff Bourguignon, an EU economist. “Deliberately picking a name that sounds like the name of a stable currency makes it look like they’re planning to cash in on the confusion, literally. It’s almost as bad as the so-called ‘golden dollar.’”
Others criticised the notion of a currency backed by food. “You can’t eat yourself out of a crisis,” said Marianne Toinette, an expert on the economics of food. “Not unless you’re facing imminent starvation or trapped in a room full of finger foods.” Ms. Toinette acknowledged that while in certain circumstances a food-backed currency might make some sense, in most such cases the foods involved are of higher value and less perishable. “Coffee? Maybe,” said Ms. Toinette. “Cocoa beans? Maybe. Grain? Perhaps. A sandwich with yogurt-based cucumber sauce? Not so much.”
Internationally, the markets responded to the news with a sharp rise in the futures market, particularly in cattle, sheep, and cucumbers.
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