La Satira News Service
A local man is in the hospital tonight after he was bitten by a dangerous snake in an Australian-themed restaurant. The man, whose name has not been released, was bitten when he picked up the snake, thinking it was a bit of decoration that had fallen out of place. The snake has been identified as a Death Adder, a native of the southern and eastern Australian coastal areas.
Authorities are uncertain how a Death Adder wound up in a suburban chain restaurant. The current operating theory is that it hitched a ride with some decorative items imported from Australia. It is believed that the snake is an individual specimen; local residents should not be concerned about the possibility of establishing a breeding population. “It’s not the adders you have to worry about around here,” said local snake expert Kelly D. Fitzroy, “so much as the multipliers.”
“We do everything we can to establish an Australian atmosphere,” said Jack Donahue, the manager of the restaurant. “It’s our whole raison d’etre, in fact, to give our customers a real Australian experience. We give our food Australian-sounding names, we provide Australian-themed decor, we even encourage our servers to develop fake Australian accents if they can. This is a bit much, though. At any rate, I’d like to assure anyone planning a holiday to Australia that these snakes aren’t a normal part of the tourist experience.”
“I have to admit, though,” Mr. Donahue added, “this isn’t the sort of problem you’d get at, say, a McDonald’s.”
This is not the first time in the spotlight for this restaurant, which historically has portrayed itself as having a relaxed atmosphere with a reduced level of responsibility. Police have been summoned twice to break up food fights over the past few months, and the owners of the restaurant have been in court numerous times over the years pursuing customers who refused to pay their bills. “Unfortunately we do have a few people who, went it comes to paying the bill, try to back out,” said Mr. Donahue.
The snake has been turned over to herpetologists with the local zoo, who have no idea how to take care of it but are rapidly learning. The snakebite victim is said to be in stable condition. This is his second close encounter with a dangerous reptile this year, after being nearly strangled by a reticulated python in the Everglades. While currently unemployed, the victim still has his health insurance from his previous employer under COBRA.
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