La Satira News Service
Thousands of years ago, much of western Europe was inhabited by a culture or group of cultures known collectively as the Beaker Culture, after the pottery cups and bowls that are their most wide-spread artifact. Very little is known about these people, as they left no written records. Though widespread, the culture eventually faded, either replaced by, absorbed by, or transforming into more modern Neolithic cultures.
A series of new discoveries by a team from the University of Punxsutawney is likely to rewrite the historical record on the subject.
Dr. Phillippe Poisson of the University’s archaeology department has spent the last few summers leading a series digs in Lancashire, England. “We’ve learned a lot about the Beaker Culture,” said Dr. Poisson. “But then we’ve had to unlearn an awful lot, too.”
A significant portion of the research was devoted to developing a clearer idea of the Beaker Culture’s physical characteristics. “Previously we believed the Beakers to be tall and heavy-boned, with heads that were fairly wide; in fact our research suggests that they were tall all right, but with very narrow heads and small bones. We believe they also would have had wild hair, protruding eyes, and relatively simple mouths that allowed only the most basic of vocalizations.”
Despite having only rudimentary language skills, Dr. Poisson claims, the Beakers would still have been able to communicate with each other, their immediate neighbors, and perhaps even a small set of alien cultures. Dr. Poisson did not elaborate on that last point.
The digs have also shed more insight on the eventual fate of the Beaker people in England. “It seems they had enemies,” said Dr. Poisson. “Our research suggests the Beakers were oppressed by another group of Neolithic humans known as the Honeydew Culture, named after the troves of exotic melon seeds found in their settlements.”
The Honeydews, claims Dr. Poisson, “were aggressive innovators, though evidently unsuccessful ones.” Dr. Poisson suggests the Honeydews were responsible for briefly returning the region to Paleolithic status. “In any event, the evidence suggests the Honeydews needed help with their research and co-opted the Beakers to provide it, often at great personal cost. To the Beakers, I mean.”
Unlike the Beaker people, the Honeydew people were surprisingly literate, after a fashion, and even kept records. One of the prize artifacts collected from the Honeydew archaeological site is believed to be a list of innovations being attempted by the community.
“We believe this to be the very first Honeydew List,” adds Dr. Poisson.
Further details about the research–including how they reached these startling conclusions–will shortly be posted on the website of the Global Online Topical Chronicle of Human Anthropology (GOTCHA).
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