A contractor for a Florida wildlife management program considers himself lucky to be alive this evening following a dramatic rescue in the the Everglades.
The state of Florida has become increasingly concerned about the environmental damage caused by non-indigenous wildlife, particularly large reptiles. Many of these reptiles are descended from former pets who got too large for their owners to manage. They were then released into the wild, eventually establishing highly successful feral populations in the absence of cold winters and other serious predators.
The state’s drive to control these populations before they cause irreparable harm to the indigenous fauna has so far not met with success, leaving the state to try ever more desperate remedies. One recently implemented program called for the state to contract with a traditional healer, or witch doctor, to “see what he could do” to fix the problem.
After a formal contracting process, a contractor was chosen and commenced a survey of the area to determine how best to proceed. The contractor, who asked not to be named in this report, had just commenced operations when he attracted the attention of a particularly large Burmese python. He was unable to prevent the snake from coiling around him.
He was only saved when a car drove up and and elderly shopkeeper emerged, pulled the snake off him, threw it back into the swamp, and–inexplicably–shouted after it:
“If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: PLEASE DON’T SQUEEZE THE SHAMAN!!!”
The program is said to be “under review” by several committees in the state legislature and is unlikely to survive the next legislative session. Insiders suggest the money may be diverted to study the cultural lifespan of defunct television advertising campaigns.