The Ancient Hellenic Centralized Health Oversight Organization (AHCHOO) took the unusual step of closing down the Augean Farms Dairy this week after reports surfaced questioning the safety of one of its newest products.
“We were shocked–shocked–to test this product and find a commercial dairy selling a product that is so thoroughly contaminated by bacteria,” said a commission spokesperson. “And then to have the dairy come back and tell us that this bacteria had been deliberately introduced–there’s where we move beyond callous disregard for their customers and reach the point of malicious intent.”
The new product, known popularly as yogurt, is already a bestseller among the dairy’s products. The dairy touts it as a health food, with benefits for those suffering from various digestive ailments or lactose intolerance–an awkward malady in a culture so dependent on the herding industry.
Augean Farms is no stranger to controversy. Two years ago a firestorm of negative media coverage erupted after the owner hired famous personality Hercules to clean out the stables. The effort resulted in the unauthorized diversion of two rivers and a plethora of downstream pollution issues.
“These Augean Farms people need to be shut down once and for all,” said activist and long-time critic Streptococcus Pyogenes. “They seem intent on spreading their germs to the farthest reaches of the planet.”
AHCHOO also took the unusual step today of putting out product safety warning on another Augean Farms product, a processed food product known popularly as cheese. The safety warning, which comes following a study funded by Cassandra Research Systems, cited the product’s high fat content and its use of the preservative “salt,”as well as the high degree of processing required to prepare the food.
A spokesman for Augean Farms, who asked not to be identified for fear of reprisals, pointed out its relative durability as one of the food’s benefits. “Let’s face it,” said the spokesman, “for various reasons, not everyone has access to fresh food every day. You could hardly stock a warship with a herd of goats, could you? Cheese may not be the ideal diet, but in due proportion it shouldn’t have adverse effects. At any rate it’s better than starvation.”
“Our organization was created to keep an eye out for Greeks bearing gifts,” said Bacillus Thuringiensis of Cassandra Research Systems. “Or, for that matter, gifts bearing Greeks. There are just so many things wrong with this product. It flies in the face of nature. Why would anyone in their right mind eat this stuff when they could get milk straight out of the goat? These processed ‘convenience’ foods will be the death of us all.”