News Flash: State Party Schedules 2016 Primary Election–for 2013

La Satira News Service

Tired of the diminished influence provided by a late position in the Presidential primary election cycle, leaders of the New Jersey Repubmocrat Party are taking steps to move ahead in line.  Way ahead.

“We’re the 11th largest state in the union by population,” said state party leader George Adams, “nearly 9 million people who are tired of being ignored by presidential hopefuls.  We’re twice the size of Iowa and New Hampshire combined.  It’s high time we took a hand in the process of selecting the President that’s more commensurate with our status.  That’s why we’re scheduling our primary for the 2016 election on February 1st, 2013.”

Generally, individual states prefer to have primaries earlier than other states, on the grounds that candidates who do well in that state–and therefore presumably reflect that state’s interests–will be able to accumulate enough momentum to carry on to the party convention. Candidates also recognize the importance of early successes and are more likely to make campaign promises in exchange for that state’s support.

This perceived influence can lead all the states to try to schedule earlier primaries, reducing the value of the whole primary system as a way for candidates to meet voters individually.  In the past the national parties have attempted to reduce this effect by reducing the number of representatives at the party’s nomination convention for states who hold their primaries too early.

The move by New Jersey Repubmocrats elicited a wave of criticism from a number of quarters, including constitutional scholars who point out that placing a primary election only two weeks after an inauguration doesn’t allow voters time enough to evaluate either the new president or any of his potential replacements.  “This is like asking people to select their next car just after they’ve bought their current one,” said Lincoln Johnson, an analyst with an independent think tank called What Next.  “We’re talking about an unlimited potential for buyer’s remorse.”

Party leaders at the national level also reacted angrily, threatening to strip the state of its votes for daring to hold its primary prior to the mid-term election.  If the state party follows through with its plans, that would leave the party nomination in the hands of voters in the only state not to move up its primary:  Wyoming.

Responding to criticism that placing the primary so soon after the presidential inauguration would result in a permanent election season, Mr. Adams suggested that such was already the case.  “The votes weren’t all counted in the last election before people were speculating on who would run in 2012,” Mr. Adams pointed out.  “Let’s face it:  somebody is always running for president.  If by some chance we lose the election this year–not that we will, of course, but if we do–this allows some people who are intending to make a splash to start getting their feet wet and establish themselves as a frontrunner.”

In other news, grocery chain EulaMart announced plans to boost sales and get a jump on the market for Christmas goodies by launching sales of egg nog and other seasonal goodies in March.  EulaMart, struggling back from near-closure earlier this year, also indicated a major push on baking supplies would be scheduled for early July.

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2 Responses to “News Flash: State Party Schedules 2016 Primary Election–for 2013”

  1. dhparker Says:

    Almost too true to be funny. 🙂 I hope nobody reads this whose job it is to schedule primaries!

  2. dave Says:

    Very funny stuff Donald! You should write for the Onion!

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