Environmentalists applauded the release of a study this week that recommended the European Union extend its cap-and-trade system for carbon dioxide emissions to fitness centers and gymnasiums.

“One of the major goals most people have when they commence a fitness program is getting rid of excess fat,” said Arturo Scomodo, one of the authors of the study.  “And we all know that when you burn fat to create energy, you produce carbon dioxide.  So we have a whole industry out there whose main purpose is to increase the release of CO2 into the atmosphere.  If we’re serious about greenhouse gases, we’ve got to get a handle on this significant emissions source.”

The purpose of the Emissions Trading System is to give industries a financial incentive to reduce their greenhouse gas emissions.  The emplacement of a limit on total emissions creates a market in which large industries must either become more efficient or purchase credits permitting them to keep emitting at the same rate.

Under the fitness center proposal, gymnasiums and fitness centers in members of the EU Emissions Trading System would be required to install devices to monitor CO2 levels during the hours of operation.   Data from these monitors would be used to estimate the CO2 emissions from such establishments and set an overall cap on allowable CO2 emissions.  Caps on individual locations would then be allocated according to the centers’ membership at the time.  The caps would then be reduced over time to encourage individual fitness centers to reduce their carbon output, either by installing equipment to capture CO2 or encouraging their patrons to breathe less while exercising.

Fitness centers that exceeded their allowances would be required to purchase carbon credits from other centers with more efficient carbon restraints.  Centers could also earn credits for installing equipment to convert energy expended on treadmills, elliptical machines, and stationary bicycles into electricity that could be either used to run the center or else fed back into the grid.

Critics of the proposal point to the expense of installing and running the monitor systems, to say nothing of the expensive carbon-capture systems that would ultimately be required by the lowering of emissions targets over time.  The increased expense could force fitness centers to raise their membership prices, undermining other government initiatives to encourage exercise and healthy lifestyles.  Alternatively, the expense could force many individuals to get their exercise through outdoor activities in which it would be impossible to capture the CO2 produced.

A formal proposal for incorporating this scheme into Phase Three of the EU Emissions Trading System implementation will be considered later this year.

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The face of England is changing.

Since the arrival of the Stuart dynasty in London last year in the person of HRH King James I (VI of Scotland), owners at country houses and other important buildings across the country have been using the occasion to engage in a bit of architectural spring cleaning.

“Tudor architecture, and Elizabethan architecture, for that matter, are so terribly last-century,” said Lord Whatchamacallit, the owner of a large estate in West Thingummyshire.  “The whole half-timbering motif just screams out its obsolescence.  These are exciting times, so it’s high time we had some exciting architecture to go with them.”

Lord Whatchamacallit is renovating his main residence to reflect what experts are already referring to as “Jacobean” architecture, with an emphasis on pilasters, arches, and parapets.  Nor is Lord Whatchamacallit alone:  this year’s issue of the Daily Architect reports fifty-seven manor houses across the country are undergoing similar renovations.  Fifteen more houses under construction have issued change orders to include new features more in line with the new style.

This spate of activity has been a boon for the building industry, which has suffered amid the declining economic situation of the past several years, as well as the relative stability of the major aristocratic families.

“We haven’t seen this much activity in the industry since Queen Elizabeth’s early years,” said builder Egbert Entwistle, who is overseeing work on Whatchamacallit Hall.  “Or for that matter since the Wars of the Roses.  The more turnover there is in the aristocracy, the more often these houses change hands–which means the more people there are wanting to add their own personal touches.  And that means more business for us.”

Of course the new style without its critics.   The Earl of Greater Pipsqueak suggested the new style was more evolutionary than revolutionary.  “Sure, we’ve got pilasters and arches going up everywhere,” he said, “though I notice a lot of the ornamentation hasn’t changed that much.”

Another critic, Lord Atwitsend, had less to say about the new style but more about the building boom driving it.  “I wonder how many of these building projects represent spending to accommodate changing needs, and how many of them are just updating for the sake of updating.  At any rate, it makes you wonder just who comes up with these new styles.  And what authority they have to inflict them on the rest of us.”

Asked about his personal tastes with respect to the new schools of architectural thought, Mr. Entwistle professed ambivalence.  “It doesn’t really matter to me what they want.  If they want pilasters all over the place, what do I care?  This whole dynastic changeover has been wonderful for business, and I can’t help thinking it wouldn’t hurt to change dynasties more often.”

Mr. Entwistle’s trial for sedition and high treason is set for next week in Star Chamber.

“He seemed to have all the appropriate credentials,” said Officer P. G. “Earl” Grey, who cracked the case.  “He had the handle, he had the spout.  But like so many other criminals, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.  He got all steamed up and started to shout–and that’s when somebody tipped us off.  Because of course genuine teapots don’t whistle:  they only receive water that’s already been heated.”

Authorities remain uncertain how many innocent teapots have been thus impersonated…or, indeed, what Mr. Kettle expected to gain from all this.  Mr. Kettle is scheduled to be deported back to Oz at the beginning of the next tornado season.

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The accident occurred on County Road 552 when the horse-drawn sleigh, traveling northward at a relatively high rate of speed, encountered a snow bank, causing the two occupants to become upsot.  Both occupants were treated and released from the county hospital.  Although the driver of the sleigh was not identified, the passenger was named as Miss Fanny Bright, 20, of North Winesap.

“Our cheeks were nice and rosy, and comfy-cozy were we,” said the sleigh’s passenger, Miss Bright, describing the moments leading up to the crash.  “We were snuggled up together like two birds of a feather should be.  Then the next thing we knew we tipped over and we were up to our necks in snow.”

The horse was taken to a local veterinary hospital and was said to be in stable condition.

The accident is being investigated by the NTSB as part of its ongoing effort to highlight the importance of proper vehicular safety features.  “We don’t care how much fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh,” said Hector Barleyoats, the lead investigator for the NTSB’s local office.  “Sure, there weren’t any serious injuries in this case, but if things had been different they’d have been singing a different tune.  These one-horse open sleighs often lack the most basic safety equipment.  No seat belts, no air bags–and as this case clearly demonstrates, no rollover protection–and no audible collision warning system.  Someone in one of these sleighs would only hear bells.  Bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells–just the jingling and the tinkling of the bells.”

Miss Bright, the passenger, acknowledged the relative lack of safety features but wondered how making such equipment mandatory would alter the experience.  “Would one horse even be able to tow all of that around?  Somehow the notion of riding in a two-horse enclosed sleigh with complete rollover protection doesn’t sound quite as fun.”

Merry Christmas, etc., from La Satira News Service.  For more News Flashes, please visit our main collection.

La Satira News Service.  Eddie Howitzer of Fullstop, Pennsylvania, is not your typical Ron Paul supporter.

“A Ron Paul presidency would be an unmitigated disaster,” says Howitzer.  “Dismantling the Fed like he wants to do would destabilize our financial system and send us back to the days of bank panics.  Protectionist trade policies would cause other nations to adopt similar attitudes toward us, stifling exports and increasing the prices of necessary imports.  And you can kiss goodbye to whatever political clout we still have on the world stage if he gets elected.”

Nevertheless, Howitzer says he has no choice but to support Paul in the next election.  Why the change of heart?  Persuasion from the National Transportation Safety Board…albeit indirectly.

“It was their proposal for a federal ban on cell phone use while driving that really did it,” Howitzer says.  “Granted, we should all be aware of the hazards of distracted driving; but an all-out ban is the sort of knee-jerk over-regulation that really symbolizes the Washington culture.  So what else is there to do but support Ron Paul, the symbol of anti-Washington culture?”

Howitzer doesn’t plan to go quietly, though.  A lawsuit has been filed in Punxsutawney County District Court seeking unspecified damages for the pain and suffering caused by the cognitive dissonance arising from being forced to support a candidate he views as unsuitable.  He and his lawyers are considering upgrading the suit to class action status.  “I can’t be the only one in this situation,” Howitzer says.

Howitzer, who runs a small chain of military surplus outlets, says he depends on his cell phone to communicate with employees at his various store locations, which are scattered throughout Pennsylvania.  His car is equipped with a hands-free unit.  “Of course driving is the priority,” says Howitzer, “and whoever I’m talking with understands that I may need to put them on hold to deal with traffic.  Texting is an absolute no-no.”  Despite these precautions, adopting the NTSB recommendations would still impact his ability to carry on business.

Howitzer says he would be willing to drop the suit if the NTSB rescinds its recommendation.

Milton Fillmore, a law professor at the University of Punxsutawney, holds serious doubts about the case’s merits.  “It’s certainly a novel reason to file a lawsuit,” said Prof. Fillmore, “so there’s not a lot of precedent to go by.  But I’m not altogether sure ‘cognitive dissonance’ is legally recognized as the sort of thing over which it’s really appropriate to talk about damages.”

Over in the university’s political science department, Dr. Chris Arugula had a slightly different take.  “Before anyone gets too excited,” he said, “we should remember that this recommendation is only a recommendation.  Nor is this terribly surprising, coming from them.  Their job is to identify hazards, and there’s no doubt that using the cell phone while driving can be hazardous.

“But just like the nutrition science people who make pronouncements on healthy eating that may not take into account of what foods are available, affordable, or for that matter enjoyable to those concerned,” Arugula continued, “safety is the only measure the NTSB recognizes; but on the roads there may be other considerations.  Is all cell phone use risky enough to justify the inconvenience?  Would such a law even be enforceable?  That’s beyond the NTSB’s area of expertise.

“The point is, the NTSB has offered its advice.  It’s up to society, through its representatives, to weigh the costs and benefits and legislate accordingly.”

Back at the military surplus outlet Mr. Howitzer continues to doubt the effect of any new legislation.  “Some places have already banned texting while driving, and some people think that’s just making things worse,” Mr. Howitzer said.  “People still text; they just do it lower, meaning their eyes are farther from the where they ought to be, making them even more dangerous.

“A cell phone law would be just the same.  The only ones who would observe it are the responsible people who aren’t causing the problems.  We’ve already got laws on the books about reckless driving–don’t those count for anything?  Or am I going to have to use my cell phone to order some Ron Paul bumper stickers?”

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Hercule Furet, editor of the newspaper that was employing Tintin, confirmed the news.  “It is with the greatest regret that we take this step, but it has become inevitable,” he said when asked for comment.  “While we have been extremely honored to have Tintin on our staff, the fact remains that he hasn’t contributed a single article in over sixty years.”

While Tintin himself could not be reached for comment on the matter, long-time friend and confidant Captain Haddock said, after a long string of obscure invective, “Those certified diplodocuses must be crazy to be giving him the boot now, after all this time.  Look at all the good he’s done over the years:  the crimes he’s solved or prevented, the lives he’s saved, at great personal risk.”

While not disputing Tintin’s bravery or heroism, M. Furet pointed out that these were not the issue.  “We, too, have enjoyed reading about his adventures, but our enjoyment has been tempered by the fact that we always seemed to be reading about them in someone else’s paper. The only report we get from the field is the occasional expense report. It wouldn’t be so bad if we at least got some name recognition for the paper.”

Detectives Thompson and Thomson also offered an opinion.  “It’s an outrage that this is happening to our courageous friend,” said Thompson.  “To be precise,” Thomson added, “We’re outrageous.”

Media analyst Jacques Chou suggested the case highlighted a long-standing debate in the field of journalism:  the problems that arise when the journalist goes beyond reporting the story and instead becomes the story.  “It’s a common conflict,” said M. Chou.  “Most young journalists want to get out in the field and make a difference, and maybe become famous along the way.  The notion of sticking to strict observation and reporting, and letting someone else fix the problems they’ve highlighted, is sometimes a little hard.

“On the other hand, you don’t want journalists to become so callous that they stand by and film someone dying when a bit of CPR could save a life.  It’s a balancing act.  But if the newspaper is paying the bills, they deserve to get at least the occasional story.  It’s not like Tintin spends all his time gallivanting around the world.”

Asked to comment on the matter, noted scholar Cuthbert Calculus replied, “No, I don’t think Tintin is getting fatter.  And it’s very impertinent of you to suggest he is.”

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In a press release announcing the event, Society president Kelpie Berger-Picard describes the day as “a time to celebrate all those worthy causes that foist themselves on our attention and expect our unflinching support.”

“At the Bandwagon Society,” Ms. Berger-Picard said at a press conference, “we believe that people ought to care–and not just about their own pet causes.  We’re very egalitarian here:  we believe everyone ought to care about everything.”

Asked about the logistical difficulties inherent in maintaining a fervent interest in every possible cause on the face of the planet, including the mutually-exclusive ones, Ms. Berger-Picard demurred.  “When you’ve worked around worthy causes as long as I have,” Ms. Berger-Picard said, “you find it’s just impossible to care too much.”

Ms. Berger-Picard has been busy lobbying Congress for formal recognition of the day, but her efforts so far have been met with ambivalence.

Other organizers have been working on a token or emblem that participants can wear on the day to demonstrate their superior level of caring.  Attempts to blend all the theme colors claimed by different lobbying groups were unsuccessful; unauthorized sources have mentioned the word “vomit,” but it is not known if this was a description or a reaction.  “It was deeply disappointing.  We couldn’t get any clothing manufacturer on the planet to make something in that color,” admitted Ms. Berger-Picard in a private interview.  “Even the ribbon-makers turned up their noses.”

“So right now the emblem we’ve come up with is wool,” Ms. Berger-Picard said.  “If you want to join with us in really showing how much you care, you need to wear wool on November 31st.  It just seems right somehow.”

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It seemed like the school was always in fundraising mode.  If enrollment was down, funds were urgently required to make up the shortfall and avoid program cutbacks.  If enrollment was up, funds were urgently needed to build facilities and provide scholarships for these droves of new students.  There didn’t seem to be a happy medium.  Nor was it possible (apparently) to cover the expenses by raising tuition…which they did, again and again.  (Somewhere I have a copy of a college catalog from the late 80s which I occasionally dig out and show modern college students when I want to see jaws drop.)

I say this not to lambast my alma mater.  I don’t pretend to understand university finances; plus, I expect most other colleges are in a similar fix…whatever that fix happens to be, exactly.  The point is, college is expensive, and is becoming moreso as time goes by.  And yet, if people are going to continue to go to college, the fact remains that somebody has to pay for it.

This, of course, brings us to the question of student debt, a financing method popular with students (at least during the initial stages) as well as colleges (who as long as the money is flowing freely can raise tuition ad infinitum without seriously impacting demand).  Indeed,  it’s a plan that for many seems almost inevitable in the face of costs that rise at many times the rate of inflation.

And yet, like all debt, it’s using someone else’s money, and that money has to be paid off with interest.  Normally, that’s not a terrible problem, providing you can get a well-paying job on the strength of your degree.  It may be burdensome, but in the long run, it’s generally worth it.  Where it becomes a problem is the situation in which one can’t get a well-paying job afterwards:  either because of an economic downturn, a glut of people in a field with limited openings (think humanities), or a very low median salary for people with that particular major (think education).

As the recession drags on, I keep seeing references to an online petition calling for the cancellation of all student debt.  A great idea, the petition says.  A way to increase spending and stimulate the economy, since suddenly people will be free of this crushing debt.  And a way to strike back at those greedy banks.  Who would be so cruel and heartless as to say no to a great idea like this?

Well…put me down, for one.  On the “opposition” side, I mean.  And here’s why.

For a start, any such proposal would end with the taxpayers taking yet another hit.  Many of those loans are federally guaranteed, which means if the student can’t pay, the feds step in.  Whether such a federal guarantee would extend to loans cancelled in this sort of move would depend on the legislation–but even if the legislation also cancelled the federal guarantee, I expect taxpayers would be on the hook for a great deal of litigation on the subject.

Second, it would create even more problems in the financial world–which would probably mean another bailout, for which the taxpayer would once again be on the hook.  Banks have to maintain a certain balance between their assets and liabilities, and if all their student loan holdings (assets) were suddenly zeroed out, yet another panic could ensue.  The Great Credit Crunch of 2008-9 could get an encore, as banks suddenly have less cash to loan out, even to students.  Particularly and especially to students, all things considered.

In some circumstances, it might not be completely wrong for banks to “take a haircut” to some extent.  I’m not sufficiently familiar with what goes on a student loan application to know how much due diligence is actually done these days.  Does the lending institution ever ask what the student is majoring in, or how they expect to pay off a $60,000 loan with a degree in badminton?  Do they keep up with students’ grades to verify that they aren’t pouring good money after bad?  (Must foundering students, like Greece, demonstrate some level of austerity before the next tranche of aid arrives?)  If the institution isn’t showing some level of attention to the credit-worthiness of its loan recipients, it had better be prepared for a certain number of write-offs anyway.

And, of course, if banks were unable and/or unwilling to continue writing student loans, college enrollment would drop precipitiously, assuming that tuition costs didn’t show a proportionate deflation.  The kind of havoc that would wreak in the collegiate world I leave to your imagination.

Finally, there’s the major insult to all those who have worked made the sacrifice to pay their debts off in full.

So on the whole I think I won’t sign onto this idea, which on the face of it seems like such an easy way out but would likely turn out to be more trouble than it’s worth.  Granted, it’s one solution to the escalating problem of college debt, but I think I’d rather wait for a different one:  possibly one that starts with the twin realizations that a) maybe not everyone needs to go to college and b) maybe it does matter what you major in.

In a way it’s rather surprising that so many college grads–presumably most of the signatories of this petition would be college grads, since we’re talking about student debt, after all–don’t seem to be thinking this all the way through.  After all, that’s what college is for, isn’t it:  to teach you how to think?

To quote C. S. Lewis:  What do they teach them at these schools…?

“This law flies in the face of our democratic principles,” said Agi Tater, a leader in one of the larger demonstrations.  “If I want a product that everyone else likes, how is that my fault?  Why should I have to pay more?  Clearly, if there’s a high demand for something, the price ought to fall so it will become more available to more people.  If they want to enact real economic reform, they need to repeal this law immediately.”

A few blocks away, a violent mob of shopkeepers protesting the high cost of replacing windows rampaged through a local retail district.

The protests are a follow-on from earlier protests over austerity measures enacted earlier this year to deal with a debt crisis.  The Ruritanian government has for several years run budget deficits to support a generous social welfare system.  As the worldwide recession has caused tax revenues to shrink, the government is in danger of defaulting on its loans if it cannot reduce its costs.  Proposed reductions in social programs met with public anger and set off a series of demonstrations.

In recent days, the demonstrations have taken on a life of their own, as various parties take the context of the protests to air their own various grievances.  Asked by a reporter about the motives behind today’s protests, demonstrator Ovis Mouflon expressed surprise.  “I thought we were protesting the price of tea in China,” he said.  “But who cares?  It’s lots of fun, and it’s a nice chance to vent about things.”

A second demonstrator, Delaine Merino, was of the opinion that they were demonstrating against the negative stereotypes about people who spend their time protesting.  “But does it really matter what it’s about?” said Ms. Merino, an erstwhile tourist.  “The important thing is that we see something we don’t like, and we’re doing something about it.”

Further demonstrations are planned next week to protest the law of gravity, the distributive law of multiplication and the value of pi .

Tired of the diminished influence provided by a late position in the Presidential primary election cycle, leaders of the New Jersey Repubmocrat Party are taking steps to move ahead in line.  Way ahead.

“We’re the 11th largest state in the union by population,” said state party leader George Adams, “nearly 9 million people who are tired of being ignored by presidential hopefuls.  We’re twice the size of Iowa and New Hampshire combined.  It’s high time we took a hand in the process of selecting the President that’s more commensurate with our status.  That’s why we’re scheduling our primary for the 2016 election on February 1st, 2013.”

Generally, individual states prefer to have primaries earlier than other states, on the grounds that candidates who do well in that state–and therefore presumably reflect that state’s interests–will be able to accumulate enough momentum to carry on to the party convention. Candidates also recognize the importance of early successes and are more likely to make campaign promises in exchange for that state’s support.

This perceived influence can lead all the states to try to schedule earlier primaries, reducing the value of the whole primary system as a way for candidates to meet voters individually.  In the past the national parties have attempted to reduce this effect by reducing the number of representatives at the party’s nomination convention for states who hold their primaries too early.

The move by New Jersey Repubmocrats elicited a wave of criticism from a number of quarters, including constitutional scholars who point out that placing a primary election only two weeks after an inauguration doesn’t allow voters time enough to evaluate either the new president or any of his potential replacements.  “This is like asking people to select their next car just after they’ve bought their current one,” said Lincoln Johnson, an analyst with an independent think thank called What Next.  “We’re talking about an unlimited potential for buyer’s remorse.”

Party leaders at the national level also reacted angrily, threatening to strip the state of its votes for daring to hold its primary prior to the mid-term election.  If the state party follows through with its plans, that would leave the party nomination in the hands of voters in the only state not to move up its primary:  Wyoming.

Responding to criticism that placing the primary so soon after the presidential inauguration would result in a permanent election season, Mr. Adams suggested that such was already the case.  “The votes weren’t all counted in the last election before people were speculating on who would run in 2012,” Mr. Adams pointed out.  “Let’s face it:  somebody is always running for president.  If by some chance we lose the election this year–not that we will, of course, but if we do–this allows some people who are intending to make a splash to start getting their feet wet and establish themselves as a frontrunner.”

In other news, grocery chain EulaMart announced plans to boost sales and get a jump on the market for Christmas goodies by launching sales of egg nog and other seasonal goodies in March.  EulaMart, struggling back from near-closure earlier this year, also indicated a major push on baking supplies would be scheduled for early July.

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